Tuesday, October 04, 2005

No Mood For A Decent Title Today

So I had the same old hot sweats last night. And then throughout today, the occasional hot flashes (ie. sudden rush of body heat, I felt really hot and suddenly want to remove all items of clothing).

The so called period stopped this afternoon. It wasn't really a period, just heavy spotting. I spent all day sitting on an empty pad - (well, not one, but two, I changed midday due to hygiene reasons).

How do I feel?

Well, I feel crap in general. Feels like I was dragged all over a bowl of white batter, then left to drain off, then put into hot oil for frying. I then come out all crispy and burnt. I felt used, tired and extremely, extremely agitated. And on top of that some creepy old bastard I work with who occasionally and `accidentally' calls me by his `ex-girlfriend's' name - keeps walking past my desk today and giving me a creepy sneer. I really want to say fuck off you old bastard and go pay someone so you can get laid but I couldn't really. I would like to keep this job.

If this hormone thing gets me heated enough I will surely report him to the manager. I'd say I don't like the way he looks at me, and I don't like to be called the same name his ex-girlfriend has. I have had enough.

I feel like shit and wanted to go home and have a cry. I miss my grandpa and grandma.

I want to call my surgeon up and ask him to please kindly remove all reproductive organs within myself, all imaginary parts, all real parts, and all parts that grow back despite previous removal. So I won't have to live through this life of mine, month after month, wondering both silently and aloud if I have ovulated and if it was a good ovulation, and if I didn't ovulate what actually happened and what is my FSH today and was the problem due to PCOS, endometriosis, pituary disfunction, cysts, adhesions, progesterone deficiency, early menopause, divine intervention or something much more scarier.

Five years.

I spent my twenties fucking around with (or being fucked by) fertility clinics and doctors and fertility related websites.

I am just tired today. Also I read the MSN news that Nicolas Cage's 19 year old Korean waitress wife he married last year has just given birth to a baby boy, he named the baby after a superman character.

In the mean time, I am going to try and hold on to my marbles, sit tight and wait for tomorrow's blood test at the clinic to see if the `period' I had to today is a real period. I would like to start another cycle straight away before this pathetic fertility ship of mine starts to sink.

And fuck you Nicolas Cage for calling your baby Kal-el Cage. Hollywood should prevent knobheads like him from reproducing if they are going to keep giving their children stupid names so they can be made fun of when they go to high school.


betty said...

I'm sorry about your Grandpa Drew. This sadness on top of your current hormonal state are not a good combination. Do anything you can to bring yourself some peace and know that I am thinking of you. I hope you have good news tomorrow.

Chee Chee said...

Drew -- I felt the same way yesterday. I just wanted to call a surgeon and have everything removed. This whole IF thing just grinds you down. It really is like being fried to a crisp and then chewed up and spit out too.

I hope that your b/w goes well tomorrow.

Hang in there.

Pamplemousse said...

Sorry for all the troubles you are having, Drew. Give 'em hell at the docs.

MC said...

Sorry about your Grandpa and all the stress you are going through. I hope you can start your cycle soon.

Ova Girl said...

Drew I'm so sorry. I hope your cycle starts soon and I hope you start to feel better soon.

Thinking of you.

Em said...

The stress and the worry is unbelievable. I hope the docs give you some choices, although I actually question what they know sometimes.