Thursday, October 20, 2005

The Puregon Twilight Zone

Read on, this is funny.

Oh god. I think I am about to laugh. Hope it is not going to be one of those senile/crazy laughs/fits. Like Tom Cruise did when Katie said she's 6 months pregnant.

So after two weeks of consistently jabbing myself with Puregon, until we discovered this morning that hey, I think we are running out of non-bruised area as injection sites, my estrogen has descended from a promising (PROMISING?) 145 to 102 as of this morning.

My ovaries have well and trully said a big FUCK YOU.

Now, as I numbly sit here in front of mountains and mountains of equipment datasheets and simulation results, I wonder, WHERE EXACTLY DID THE PUREGON GO?

Did it:

1) Somehow gets trasferred through the bloodstream in my stomach and flies straight to the bladder, without any form of absorption - and was pissed out as soon as it was injected.
2) Apeman didn't twist the Puregon injection nozzle properly so I ACTUALLY didn't receive any fertility drugs. He was playing make-believe with me. He doctor me nurse.
3) The tubs of Puregon I received from the clinic was in fact, bless me, Holy Water. You may think it has amazing fertility powers but it really is only tap water.
4) The blood test results weren't mine. They fucked it up consistently three times in a row.
5) I imagined the whole thing. What IVF cycle?

The ovaries stopped hurting two days ago. It feels a little lumpy due to the monstrous amounts of follciles I produced but none of them grew to maturity - which explains the 102 estrogen today.

I was told by the fertility clinic to use my friend trigger tonight, that will sort out the little cysts and follicles. The cycle is cancelled and we will treat this coming Sunday as Day 1 again. And then we will start injecting. Again.

Honestly fuck that.

Is anyone paying attention here?

I couldn't raise my estrogen last week, not this week, how can you promise me it is going to raise next week or even the week after that? Is that Puregon stuff bad for my ovaries? Did it fuck up my hormones? Did my ovary grew back because of Puregon?

Is there a God?

Do I feel like crying today? actually. I am not even that angry today. Not even remotely disappointed.

I feel nothing today.

I feel nothing because as I told Apeman last night, for the past five years I had the same habit of waking up at 5:50am on specific days just so I can be one of the early birds at the clinic. I get my blood tested, I get my meds, I whinged a little to the coordinator, sometimes if I'm blessed I get an ultrasound, and some days when I am really blessed - I actually have a bed reserved for me for transfers or egg collection.

It's becoming a routine. I feel nothing. None of it hurts anymore. Fuck you.

Am just tired. So tired I don't even know when it is appropriate to cry.

I told somebody at work yesterday that I don't like children. That's why I have a dog because I don't like children. That was to stop him from telling me about his 2 year old who likes to pick up the phone and talk to telemarketers and call that person daddy.

Sigh... now I have the Danish royal family portriat to look forward to.


Drew said...

I am crying now.

Yup the tears are here.

I have feelings about this IVF bullshit afterall.

betty said...

Aw shit it just sucks. It sucks bad. I'd like to hand you a tissue, no a whole box and give you a hug. Swear, cry and shake your fists as much as you wish. Fuck that indeed but I hope you'll find the stregnth to go again. You are brave and tough.

Sheryl said...

awwwww Drew... {{HUGS}}

Ova Girl said...

Oh Drew I'm so so sorry. God that sucks so much. I hope that you get some answers. I really feel for you.


Mony said...

Yep, that's fucked up alright. Darl, my heart breaks for you. It's so easy to feel hopeless & despaired when you are up against the Infertility Monster. We are here for you & know you will not let this bring you undone. Fight on Bunny.

MC said...

I'm so sorry Drew. The clinic owes you some explanations. Thinking of you.

Thalia said...

I'm really sorry drew. The situation just sucks and i'm very puzzled by the clinic's decision. How can you just start again? Start with suppression or start with stims again? because surely sunday is too soon for that. Hoping you get some answers soon.

Drew said...

Thanks so much for the encouragement girls. :)

Good eyes Thalia - I only just discovered this afternoon that the instructions given to me were wrong, in fact I need to wait for a bleed before carrying on a new cycle.

And Kath, if you are reading this, the person who fucks up this information for me is in fact your favourite fertility matriach. I had to argue with her this morning for several minutes reminding her that SHE fucked it up, I heard my instructions correctly last week. Am not stupid nor deaf.

Sigh.. now waiting for AF to show.

Kath said...

Oh Drew...this is just plain shitty.

I am not at all surprised about who gave you the dodgy information. I remember she once carried on with how my beta levels were fine 2 weeks after my miscarriage. Idiot!

I am now very sorry that I let her live past that day and onto fucking up your cycle. Its time to write "Drew (not L. please)" on the sign in sheet.

Suriyani said...

Me and wife just started on puregon. After reading your blog we are more prepared for the worse and if the worse do happen, we are not alone...apeman slim