In Silence

In case if any of you had been dropping by and wondering what the hell happened to me. Well I have two good reasons:

1. My laptop got hijacked. Brother in law decided that he is better off taking MY laptop with him for his business holiday - that was a month ago. I got my laptop back today - completely scratched beyond recognition (my first reaction was - what is this piece of shit?) and missing the most important part - THE FREAKING POWER CONNECTION LEAD. Fuck's sake. He left it in China. Not sure if I will be getting a replacement back either.

2. I am pregnant. Petrified. Numb. Weeing up to 20 twenty times a day due to compressed bladder and anxious.

The number two statement is not a joke (neither was the first). I am still trying to come to terms with it and wake up daily thinking the worst is still to come because I am un-derserving. I am not shitting you. My doctor TOLD me I have no chance. It is not physically possible. Here's what happened.

Since coming back from my US holiday early July - I had been patiently waiting for my period to show up. I saw the doctor - he said you might as well think about alternative options because so far everything he throws in my direction is not working. I carried on my life as per normal - with no expectations and no regrets.

I honestly have no expectations.

Day 42 into my cycle and still no period. I rang the clinic and whinged - complaining that my ovary is playing up again and had lost the will to ovulate. The kind nurse said why don't you come in for a blood test to check for ovulation.

I did, and I have already ruled out a possible pregnancy because that sort of stories only happen to good and lucky people. Not me. Me with the inpenetrable endometrium. In saying that - this cycle I had carried out two ovulation tests and a pregnancy test at various times and were all negative. So that was that.

I didn't hear from the clinic that afternoon so eventually I called them for my results. I didn't want to sit through a sulky sunday contemplating surgery options and wondering why I cannot just ovulate like other women.

The nurse apologised for the late results, and told me the results were looking good so far(progesterone at 78), but they are still working on my pregnancy test. I was deliriously happy - "Does that mean I ovulated this cycle?", the nurse promptly replied, "Oh yes Drew you definitely did". I was happy as pie. I am normal. I went back to help Apeman with moving some 10 kg bags of cement from his truck.

Five minutes later. I got a call. It was nurse. She started off sounding all secretive. Then she told me she's got a positive on my pregnancy test.

I lost the ability to stand and speak English. I started to repeat `Wha..wha..wha?'. I was trying to ask her HOW, and WHY, and for how long. She must have been used to these type of reactions, so she told me my HCG was 12,500, and I am more than likely to be six weeks along. Apeman came from nowhere because he heard my wailing and hugged me tight.

I had been in a state of shock since then. I still cannot believe it. I haven't been able to verbalise my fear and cry tears of happiness since then. Except for sad movies, Australian Idol selection and some good advertisements showcasing babies and puppies.

I was discharged at 7 weeks from my fertility centre. Everybody contragulated my spontaneous pregnancy.

I had my 8 week scan. My bub was kicking and moving already and the little heart beating happily away. Not to mention the right dimensions for its age too.

On friday I will have my 10 week scan.

Nausea came in a hurry soon after I discovered my pregnancy, everything I eat comes out straight away. Fortunately nausea has stopped pretty much after 9 weeks, and now I am stuck with a sick feeling at night and can only be comforted through eating. (I hate a whole cake - please forgive me).

I am completely petrified and not able to explain what happened. I cannot even remember having sex and did not even know I ovulated and worried this maybe one of those immaculate conception. I didn't know I can do it naturally - after all those years of getting the best laboratory and technical help. I am the human walking and talking contraception and here I am, writing about my newfound pregnancy.

I have not told a soul. Only my mother knows. Because I am dead scared. I am trying to stay hopeful and be positive.