WDF?

Realised this morning my persistent chin/jaw acne has suddenly disappeared. I looked into the mirror and saw a clear faced Drew - but also a very tired, haggard looking Drew.

I thought - oh my God. I am pregnant.

We went out to the markets to buy fresh fruits and veges, then dropped by a pharmacy to pick up a 2-test pregnancy test kit. Went home - peed on some sticks.

Two lines.

My first words - WHAT THE FUCK!?!!! (Quite unlike our tears of joy with Poopee).

Fifteen minutes later - peed on another stick.

Two lines. Again. Very quickly.

I am pregnant.

I think about five to five and a half weeks? Maybe six?

I am in shock at the moment. Me and Apeman were wondering how can this second miracle happen when we only had sex once this month. I still remember it - during Jamie Oliver's show about bad eating - the one where a few bodies were dissected in front of the audience.

No idea what to do next at the moment as I am battling a bad virus (coughing, blocked nose, headache, fatigue) and looking after a sick Poopee.

Will see what happens next. I just,

just cannot believe this.

All those years of fertility treatment. I - we - feel very, very blessed.

That same old loving feeling

Poopee's been sick with a nasty flu she caught from her cousins. Poor thing was coughing all night and has a pretty high temperature. Many times I wish it was me who has the cough and fever. Not my baby. :(

Poopee now 16 months. She had her first playgroup fight the other day with a boy a little bigger than her. She snatched something off him, he snatched it back from her, she chased him down and snatched it back. He tried to snatch it back and after much tugging and pulling they both fell on the floor. Cruelly I was in hysterics (with the other mothers in the playgroup!) because since knowing these babies from birth - we just witnessed our first FIGHT!

Walked past a newsagency and saw some hardcover children's books. I picked up a cute one about a little pig called Penelope. And just when I was about to leave and pay for the book, I saw a cheap one (for $5!) called A world of Baby Names. I flipped through it quickly and realise it was full of old medieval names like Anand and Hibah and Meade. I guess it is better than calling your little ray of sunshine Grass or Raindrops or Moonbeam. It was $5 so I bought it.

I am not trying for a baby. But Apeman is. So in between I guess we have some sort of try-not-try situation. My period has been eerily regular since I got it back earlier this year - it is a week late this month but I honestly think it is just around the corner. I am too scared to even do a test or think about babies (though that Baby Names book is not going to help). I am just happy with the way things are at the moment. Life is already good.

Will see what happens.

The birthday party

Took Poopee to her first ever birthday party - a friend's 4 year old birthday party.

It was quite a strange experience. Very awkward moments indeed.

I was bombarded with twenty or so women - all mothers or mothers to be, lavishing attention to their own babies/children and/or other people's babies/children, discussing certain impending births, and in particular - a friend of a friend's who just gave birth this morning (hmm.. ahh...her water broke first then it was over and done with very quickly!).

It was mumzilla overdrive. The chaos nearly sent my otherwise idle ovary into ovulation overdrive.

Me and Poopee had a pretty nice time. She wanted to explore the house, walking rather wobbly with me partially supporting her. A few mums commented that my full-headed girl look a little like Suri Cruise - the Asian version of course. It is rather complimentary to be told my gorgeousness resembles the child of movie stars. But not so complimented to think I might have given birth silently like Katie.

New trick today - she has developed a temper. You take an object of interest off her hand - she chucks the biggest tantrum and jumps up and down to display her dissatisfaction/anger - and if you EVEN try to pacify her with another toy - she grabs it and throws it away with as much force as possible.

Nice work, darling.

Where did I go?

Been reading this book.

Incredible, incredible stuff. I cannot believe how much this woman had endured, and how much the people who had hurt her got away with all those years. I was overwhelmed with sadness as I read about her experiences.

These child molesters should be locked away for good. Throw the key away. Jail is too good for them.

Got my first real period last week. I had a two year break from aunt-flow. Throughout my pregnancy I was too scared to see even a tiny speck of blood - so it was always dreaded. And during Poopee's first year - I was happy to be relieved from it because a raging period is not something that goes well with lack of sleep and other baby maintenance activities.

Even before I reached for my first bag of sanitary napkins - Apeman gleefully announced to me that it is Time To Try For A Second ONE.

`A second one of what?'

`A BABY! A sister or brother for M......'.

Haven't quite made up my mind about this second baby business. I am enjoying my gorgeous girl way too much to even think about the possibility of a second baby. Too lazy now. Don't want to tread (even if it is slowly) down the infertility roller-coaster. I had to remind Apeman that just because we had one baby successfully does not necessary mean the next baby is going to be easy come.

Plus I think I need at least two years (or some nafty plastic surgery) to recover from all that pulling my Poopee is doing to my nipples. Yikes!

My girl

Poopee turned one two weeks ago.

I threw her a big, pink, girly party.

She is not quite walking on her own yet, but she is a little cheeky monkey - crawling and climbing everywhere and everything.

My favourite thing to do with her is to pull `KISS' faces by sticking our tongues out in front of the mirror whilst doing the rock n roll gesture with our fingers.

Everyday is beautiful with her.

Oh What a year!

Just want to say this:

A fabulous year indeed.

If two years ago, somebody tapped me on the shoulder and said - hey - two Christmases later you will be a mum - you will sit under the Christmas tree and open presents up with a baby who is your sweetness and light - I will probably tell that person yeah right. Thanks for giving me hope but I just can't see it happening.

But it did. And everything fell into place, and I am a mother. Wow. So happy everyday with my Poopee. Even now she has teeth and bites where it hurts most. Even with our continued broken nights. Everything pales in comparison to the times I get to spend with my Poopee.

I sincerely would like to wish everybody much happiness for 2008. To my cyberfriends who drop in every now and then, those whose dreams have been fulfilled, and those who are still patiently struggling through. Cheers and beers for everybody.

Love to you.

The Helicopter Parent

Always the late bloomer, for the first time since Poopee was born, I had my first `outing' - a.k.a. all by myself - for more than four hours. I went to have my hair rebonded.

Frank convinced me to give some time to myself, so he volunteered his mother to babysit Poopee whilst I had my hair done. I thought about it for at least two months already, especially since I have so much trouble dealing with my mother in law.

I drove over to her place, I gave her my packed bags (yes, bagzzz), I thanked her, blew Poopee a kissy wissy, and then I walked out of the door quickly before I change my mind. The moment the door was closed I heard my baby cry, it wasn't a tantrum cry - it was a fearful cry. I banged on the door, MIL opened up and I saw my baby with big tears and red rimmed eyes. I walked in and asked to hold Poopee (and she reached out for me) and I started to cry too.

Probably think I am nuts. Can't help it.

I am sure I will be much better with this separation thing next time.

In the end - I went, I have nice straight hair again.

Poopee was fine too. From what I heard later, Apeman had to drive MIL back to our house with Poopee because she was terrified of her new surroundings (and of MIL). She was happy as soon as she's home. And happier once she saw me four hours later.

It finally happened!

Well, nearly anyway.

I tried to sit my nearly eight month old Poopee up next to me today on our love seat. She is still a little wobbly sitting up on her own, so we need lots of practice.

Just as she had steadied herself, she leaned on me, with both arms encircling my waist, and looked up. It was the closest thing to a voluntary hug (with the alternative being my bear hugs to her). She brushed my arms gently (with the alternative being the lashing of my flesh with her sharp nails), and mumbled `Ma Ma'.

I think it was just a part of her speech development as a baby, she started saying `Ba ba ba ba...' since six and a half months to just about anybody including Apeman (not a good look when she calls out `Ba ba' to the butcher), but it was only recently she started the `Ma ma' thing. Today it is the first time she looked to me and say it.

Hey I will take it. Whether or not she means it that's good enough for me. She reduced me to tears. I have been waiting to hear that for a very long time.

And then she's nearly eight months

She is all sweetness and light. As corny as it may sound - she is the very reason I wake up every morning feeling in love and be loved.

Even though my love-bug is a frequent waker during the night. Sometimes as much as five or six times per night.

But oh, I am so, so in love.

Aunty Drew: `You know, I am totally in love with Megan.'

Niece (8 years old): `Aunty Drew, you know there are laws against things like this.'

Aunty Drew: *Gup*

Max

Our beloved Max passed away last night after a very sudden complication with his bowels, and two surgeries conducted as a result of that. His bowels apparently twisted severely, possibly from a genetic disorder, causing him excruitiating pain.

We are not taking it well at all. We miss him so much. Our house is never the same again with our favourite son. I still look out at the backyard and expect him to run towards us urging us to play ball with him.

We love you Max. Mummy miss you very much. Thank you for being there for every single heartache we suffered the past few years. It was a pleasure to have you as a part of the family.

Vomit

I am not a particularly bitchy person. I don't ever hold grudges against anybody - if I ever get angry enough to hate a person - it usually lasts as long as my short term memory - which is pretty short.

But right now, at this moment, I really want to yank my mother in law, by the head, and throw her out of my house.

Poopee became sick a few days ago. It was as per the doctor diagnosed - a common cold. As soon as she found out Poopee's sick, she nearly ramped her SVU into the post box on my driveway, creating skid marks, just to see Poopee. She threw me an angry look and said, `Is your daughter sick?' - as if its entirely my fault and my failure as a mother. When she saw Poopee - she was like, `Oh my God! You poor thing, don't worry grandma's here, you must be in a lot of pain you poor thing.'

I had the scary urge of doing that yank hair throw out of house thing.

Before I had a chance to do so - she had a go at me for taking her out to dinner the previous night, which, I must add, it was a dinner she participated in as well. Her sons wanted to take her out to dinner, and she didn't exactly turn the opportunity down. She said Poopee's now sick because we were `greedy' for restaurant food.

I don't know how to react to that comment except to say well then, we won't go out again at night for dinner. It's difficult - the typical reaction to that comment should be a stern `GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE'. But in my case, due to Apeman's closeness to his mother, it is difficult for me to have such a big reaction towards his saintly mother. It will cause a certain marriage rift. He has, on many occasions, tell me I should tell his mother exactly how I feel, but how can you? This woman doesn't listen. At times she is happy to humour me and do what I told her to, but eventually revert to what she feels is best. Other times she will speak down to me as if I am retarded. And anyway, how can I use Apeman's version of `stern language' and tell his mother where to go? She's bound to get upset and therefore causing troubles between me and Apeman.

I should be at my happiest. And I am in some ways. I look at my girl everyday and see that beautiful face of hers and wonder - how can we be so damn lucky? But lately, with my mother in law visiting us nearly every day (now that she has a reason to - Poopee), and spending up to four hours with us - watching us eat (she won't eat anything I cooked and look at what I cooked with an amused look), hogging Poopee, watching TV with us, talking to Apeman as if I don't exist - I feel like I want to vomit everytime I hear her car pulls up at our driveway. I want to throw her out even before she has a chance to get into our house. But I can't.

She makes me so unhappy. She makes me feel so unworthy sometimes with the things she say to me. And when I tell Apeman about it - he tells me its just the way his mum speaks. But it hurts. Everytime.

I must sound pathetic to you. I can't even stand up to this person in my own house.

Amusingly, she even told me I should stop breastfeeding Poopee when she was four months old. I found out later that it's because she expects me to return to the workforce and she will take over the full time care of my precious beloved. So it is easier for her for Poopee to be on formula.

This is one thing I can promise - not over my dead body will she be caring for my daughter.

The Passports

I can only write this quickly as Poopee is currently strapped unwillingly to her $14.95 stroller. From the gibberish baby noises she is making, it sounds a bit like `THIS IS SO NOT COOL MUM.'

We received our passports via special delivery today. I had to renew mine, and Poopee needs a spanking new one. Just want to say the way they want you to be photographed is plain crap. No smiles, no smirks, no sideway flattery shots (as per Mariah Carey who always gets photographed from her right hand side because its prettier). Me and Poopee ended up looking like constipated prison escapees with no soul.

Poopee still managed to look like a doll though. :)

She turned five months...

This time last year I was hoping and praying. I was probably sitting in the hospital emergency room waiting to be seen by a doctor due to first trimester spotting.

Today my baby girl turns five months.

Happy fifth month birthday darling. Mummy is so incredibly proud and grateful to have you wake up next to me every morning.

Strike Two

My mother in law yesterday decided that it is necessary to visit twice a day just to get enough baby time with Poopee. She has been asking me lots of questions lately about (me) returning to work etc. I never even hinted to her that I want to return to work.

She walked into our bedroom, looked down at our (sound) asleep Poopee. I decided to leave her alone so she can watch Poopee in peace. Within seconds, I saw her coming out of our bedroom with a (now) awoken Poopee in arms. She always does this. She comes over, and wakes my Poopee up just so she can play with her.

It's fine if she is here once a week or something. But twice a day does not give her the right to wake my baby up whenever she wants. She is a supposingly experienced mother herself, she should know better than to wake up a sleepy baby, especially since it has taken me more than an hour to put her to sleep.

I don't know if I should lose it with her. I am fucking angry.

The sign

One day we took a small trip to the local shops. As we stopped at the red light, I looked behind to check on Poopee, I saw her spikey haired head bobbing up and down, making baby gurgling noises that was music to my ears. Then I saw the BABY ON BOARD signage stuck to the rear window of our SUV.

That reminded me years ago, right after my second or third IVF cycle failure, I was dragged to a Baby-Pregnancy expo by a non-friend. A stall selling child restraint gear was giving those signages out for free. A woman handed me one as I walked past, I accpeted, and tucked it in a bag full of Ribena drinks I purchased that day.

We moved house twice since then. The signage travelled with us. It was moved from one drawer to another, tucked in a box, thrown away twice, retrieved and cleaned again, and eventually was lost in a pile of infertility collectibles including DVDs from specialist fertility centres from the US, my glory ovaries photos, my surgery photos, my IVF bills.

Right after the birth of Poopee, when I was cleaning up the room for her, I found this signage. I finally have the opportunity and legit reason to use it. I have a baby. In a car. With me.

Poopee and I came a long way. Though she's only four and a half months old, I feel like I have known her forever.

We Fend for ourselves...

Apeman left us to go on his first business trip since the birth of Poopee.

It's tough, but since I do most things for Poopee (apart from the odd nappy change during the night by Apeman), it isn't anymore difficult when he's not around.

But the loneliness gets to me. Not having an adult person to talk to at the end of the day to share Poopee stories is tough. Can't go out either. That killer flu is going around in Perth at the moment - so better not risk it by taking Poopee out.

Was so excited today, because Poopee was lying in her portacot, and suddenly I saw her trying to lift herself up (a bit like doing a sit-up). It was so cute and hilarious at the same time, a real shame Apeman's not here to see it. My Poopee lights up my day by giving the biggest toothless grins, and she giggles, really giggles whenever she sees my boobies.

Oh - and she recently learnt how to kiss me. When I lean over her for a kiss she opens her mouth to receive me. Moments like these makes me want to freeze it and keep this memory forever and ever.

My Sweetness

Poopee was conceived around this time last year.

Wow.

Sitting up with some support from Apeman.

My little eskimo.

I simply cannot stop kissing her and holding her. So much. So much that I need to have physiotheraphy for my wounded wrist (for constantly holding this 7kg love-heart of mine).

Look Ma - no hands!

In my own little retarded world of breastfeeding, whenever Poopees calls for a breastfeed in public, I feel like I need to proof to the world that I can do it PROPERLY like everyone else.

I have joined a mothers' group in a local community centre, spending a few hours a week with some other groovy mums. Sometimes I have to breastfeed Poopee just to calm her down. I see other mums in the group doing it oh so graciously. It was baby on one arm, top up, latch on, and moments of peace soon after. Just like the movies.

For me and Poopee it was lots of awkard cradling and wrestling (since we don't have a cushion with us), me flashing my full boob at everybody, me holding Poopee in an ultra contorted awkard position, Poopee trying to latch on, me accidentally pulling her off my nipple because I was loosing grip, me grimacing with pain, Poopee with the loudest suck in the room - it was SLURP SLURP SLURP.... followed by a loud burp and fart.

It was all in good fun. Me and my girl rocks the mothers group.

Speechless

What is wrong with people these days?

Just a week after Baby Catherine was abandoned, another new born baby girl was left wrapped in towels, on the doorstep of a church. She suffered from hyperthermia due to the cold (I get teary just thinking of the little tinker left in the cold to fend for herself).

Then the unspeakable happened, just a few suburbs away from mine, a dead baby boy who was only days old was found in the rubbish tip. His mother had thrown him out like trash into the household rubbish bin. The authorities haven't released any details as to how the baby died, but they are appealing for the mother to come forward.

And here we are, women who have problems with fertility, battled years of IVF and hormone treatments and suffered numerous heartaches, trying to have that miracle baby at all costs - whilst other people are throwing them out like trash. Sure, I have sympathy for people who under their own circumstances cannot bring up a child and felt the need to give the child away, but if people are knowledgable enough to have sex, unprotected sex for that matter, they should be knowledgable enough to make a wiser decision about how to handle an unwanted baby. There are proper adoption routes they can take, and community is available - you don't just leave a baby out in the cold, or to simply throw them out. I hope the little baby boy did not suffer, I really, really hope so.

Poopee has just started to make her first baby gurgling sounds. She loves a good conversation with me, and even watch TV with me together. I feel so blessed to have her, everyday.

Baby Catherine

Stories about abandoned babies certainly tugs my heart strings. This one more than ever.

I read an article from WHO magazine on Baby Catherine recently, there were two pictures of the beautiful little baby. Her baby features are so similar to my own Poopee (despite being from a completely different race), but still, looking at her baby lips and eyes, baby cheeks...made me cried.

She will never know the comforts of suckling from her mother, to be loved and held because she was wanted and needed. She will know eventually when she grows up that she was left in a cardboard box on Mother's day. Just the thought of that makes me teary.

I pray hard for Catherine to be fostered by the best of families, to have somebody to love her so much that love words will be whispered into her ears just like I do to my own.