Today has been an okay day. Poopee ate all her meals, she pooped a couple of times (which is usual for us), and she is just her usual gorgeous self. But active. Very active. Chasing around the shops active.
Took her to the shops to have professional photos done today. I jumped in for a couple of cute mum and daughter shots. Just how can this be possible, me having a daughter, a little girl so gorgeous I ask to kiss her all the time (not that she has a choice).
There are still many nights I think about my little peanut, my small little heartbeat. I think about what-ifs, I think about what to do next year around his/her due date. And once again, I find it difficult to be around pregnant women. Damn that. double damn that. I thought I was cured. This friday I am going to dodge a planned outing with several mums from playgroup. One of the non-regular mums is already pregnant and is showing and is dying to show us her baby bump. I am not ready for that yet.
A distant friend phoned today. She had her daugther a little less than a year after Poopee was born. She told me she is returning to the workforce next week, and asked me, without alot of tact I must say, when am I going to start looking for work again since Poopee is so old already.
Well. My mouth quivered and uttered a whole heap of excuses, using keyphrases such as `she is sick all the time', `worried she might climb out of her cot and nobody is watching her', `don't trust childcare facilities', `maybe wait till she turns two'. She wasn't too convinced and dug further and assured me childcare facilites are more than fine etc. I felt terrible afterwards. I felt a little useless. I felt like maybe it is time to get a job.
Then five minutes passed. I got angry.
I know what I want. I have always known. I wanted to be a mum for so damn long, and now that I am a mum, I will be a stay at home mum for as long as I fucking want and for as long as it is financially secure enough for us to do so. I want to spend my day hanging out with my daughter, and spend an hour in the afternoon napping together. I just wish I had the courage and the right frame of mind to say that to her. Bitch.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
The D and C
So the D&C happened on Monday. I actually started to bleed a little heavier the night before, with some decent cramps on Sunday afternoon. But I didn't bleed any heavy tissue or clots. It was just like a normal period if I tried not to think about what is actually inside.
But it was not meant to be, I was not meant to have the failure of the pregnancy resolved naturally. I went to the hospital myself early Monday morning by Taxi, leaving my two loves at home. Just sad to think later on that day I was to return home alone. Just myself.
I only slept an hour the night before. But I felt freshly awake.
I was given a couple of sedatives to help me relax prior to the procedure, which I was thankful for, and it felt like only five minutes had passed before the orderlies wheeled me into the theatre. My doctor spoke to me before, gently asking me if I was okay and patted me on the knee for reassurance. He asked for my consent to carry out a chromosome check on the embryo and endometrial products afterwards. I agreed.
I didn't have a last thought before I went unconscious, I really regret it now. I wish I have a nice thought, or at least think about something sentimental before I went under. But no it didn't happen. The next thing I know I woke up with a male orderly looking down at me, he said something I couldn't understand, but that's when I knew it was finally over.
Then back in my room - I cannot exactly remember crying but I must have because I was asked if I needed to see a chaplin. Not religious myself, but I felt it will be comforting to see a chaplin. The chaplin thankfully was a warmly spoken woman who held my hand and listened to me talked jibberish between sobs. She asked if I wanted her to say a prayer for us I agreed. It was really beautiful, she asked God for a warm spot in his beautiful place for my little peanut. She later gave me a soft love heart made of fabric and wool. Something tangible to hold onto. It was yellow with white little spots on it. The prettiest and happiest colour on the palette.
Later when Apeman came to pick me up, we went to the chapel within the hospital complex and I lit a candle.
And then we return home.
But it was not meant to be, I was not meant to have the failure of the pregnancy resolved naturally. I went to the hospital myself early Monday morning by Taxi, leaving my two loves at home. Just sad to think later on that day I was to return home alone. Just myself.
I only slept an hour the night before. But I felt freshly awake.
I was given a couple of sedatives to help me relax prior to the procedure, which I was thankful for, and it felt like only five minutes had passed before the orderlies wheeled me into the theatre. My doctor spoke to me before, gently asking me if I was okay and patted me on the knee for reassurance. He asked for my consent to carry out a chromosome check on the embryo and endometrial products afterwards. I agreed.
I didn't have a last thought before I went unconscious, I really regret it now. I wish I have a nice thought, or at least think about something sentimental before I went under. But no it didn't happen. The next thing I know I woke up with a male orderly looking down at me, he said something I couldn't understand, but that's when I knew it was finally over.
Then back in my room - I cannot exactly remember crying but I must have because I was asked if I needed to see a chaplin. Not religious myself, but I felt it will be comforting to see a chaplin. The chaplin thankfully was a warmly spoken woman who held my hand and listened to me talked jibberish between sobs. She asked if I wanted her to say a prayer for us I agreed. It was really beautiful, she asked God for a warm spot in his beautiful place for my little peanut. She later gave me a soft love heart made of fabric and wool. Something tangible to hold onto. It was yellow with white little spots on it. The prettiest and happiest colour on the palette.
Later when Apeman came to pick me up, we went to the chapel within the hospital complex and I lit a candle.
And then we return home.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Still waiting for the much dreaded miscarriage. More than a week on.
Thanks to everyone who dropped by, quite a few new names and faces. Thank you so much to each of you. It really means alot to me.
I had some serious cramps the day after the final ultrasound. And since then I had a few small bleeds, but it is very light and it comes and goes. The uterus feels very heavy tonight. It feels like things are going to drop any second. I am so scared. I don't know if I am ready to see my pregnancy on its way out.
I talked to a mum friend, who had a similar experience recently (baby stopped growing at 6 weeks), and she described to me in detail what happened during her miscarriage. I want to be prepared for it. So upon her suggestion, I now permanently sit on a super-sized pad in case it happens.
I had been in contact with my doctor and he has organised a D&C for me upon my request. It will happen next Monday regardless of whether a natural misscarriage happens prior. It is not my intention to have medical intervention, to have my sweet little embryo sucked out of me, but because my body is not releasing the pregnancy naturally, I think this is the only other option. It breaks my heart thinking about it, the D&C. I am in pain. I still cry. I no longer enjoy my only solitary time at night - my shower - because I cry. So many things I want to say but don't know how to.
The irony is I am still getting a nauseous feeling at night. It is so sick. I have this sick feeling in my throat, just like I did when I was pregnant with Poopee, and during this pregnancy with Penelope. I don't know why I am still getting this terrible feeling. It just makes me even sadder.
I have won the lottery once already. I never ask for more. I never dare to ask for a miracle to happen twice. But it did and now it has been taken away. But this is not the reason I am sad, I am sad because I saw another life inside me. And then it wasn't living.
I now only wish for one thing - for my sweet little soul to have a beautiful place to go to. Somewhere nurturing, somewhere sweet, and never sad. Too precious. To have but not to hold.
Thanks to everyone who dropped by, quite a few new names and faces. Thank you so much to each of you. It really means alot to me.
I had some serious cramps the day after the final ultrasound. And since then I had a few small bleeds, but it is very light and it comes and goes. The uterus feels very heavy tonight. It feels like things are going to drop any second. I am so scared. I don't know if I am ready to see my pregnancy on its way out.
I talked to a mum friend, who had a similar experience recently (baby stopped growing at 6 weeks), and she described to me in detail what happened during her miscarriage. I want to be prepared for it. So upon her suggestion, I now permanently sit on a super-sized pad in case it happens.
I had been in contact with my doctor and he has organised a D&C for me upon my request. It will happen next Monday regardless of whether a natural misscarriage happens prior. It is not my intention to have medical intervention, to have my sweet little embryo sucked out of me, but because my body is not releasing the pregnancy naturally, I think this is the only other option. It breaks my heart thinking about it, the D&C. I am in pain. I still cry. I no longer enjoy my only solitary time at night - my shower - because I cry. So many things I want to say but don't know how to.
The irony is I am still getting a nauseous feeling at night. It is so sick. I have this sick feeling in my throat, just like I did when I was pregnant with Poopee, and during this pregnancy with Penelope. I don't know why I am still getting this terrible feeling. It just makes me even sadder.
I have won the lottery once already. I never ask for more. I never dare to ask for a miracle to happen twice. But it did and now it has been taken away. But this is not the reason I am sad, I am sad because I saw another life inside me. And then it wasn't living.
I now only wish for one thing - for my sweet little soul to have a beautiful place to go to. Somewhere nurturing, somewhere sweet, and never sad. Too precious. To have but not to hold.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Sweet Penelope
That is the name I have given her. Penelope - a very pretty and sweet name, something Apeman doesn't seem to agree on but is happy for me to use it as a `for now' name. And I assume it is a girl - because a gift as precious as this will be another girl for me. The sweetness of holding a baby girl again. A gift. Beyond blessed.
Bleeding started up again yesterday so after much discussion with Apeman, we have decided to head down to the emergency department for some help. Bleeding at 8.5 weeks is very unsettling especially since the bleeding seems to have stopped the past week. Pelvic scan showed a very faint picture so the doctor went vaginal ultrasound-way.
The expression on the doctor's face is not one I am familiar with.
My little peanut has a very faint, if valid, heartbeart. You can hardly see it, which is unusal for an 8.5 week old foetus. And sadly, she only measures just under the size of a 6 week old foetus. And judging by the dates, if I am correct about the dates, everything looks bad. My little peanut just couldn't grow. She couldn't keep growing. She didn't grow in the past weeks when I am busily thinking about prams and new sleeping arrangements and small, tiny little newborn nappies. And my arms around two beautiful children.
My referral letter wrote `missed abortion'.
I had to call my good doctor immediately. He heard the numbers and organised for me to immediately head down to his rooms for a second scan. A few hours later, by the time I was on his examination table, my little peanut's heartbeat is gone.
I hardly even have time to digest her first pictures and she is gone.
I am to wait for another week, to see if my body will let Peanut go naturally, if not I am to have the option of a D&C. I was given a bunch of pregnancy loss pamphlets by the hospital to read. Including various methods of `letting go conception tissue'. A terrible, terrible use of words for me at this stage. Terrible.
I don't want you to go Penelope. I have a song for you. You will always be mine.
Bleeding started up again yesterday so after much discussion with Apeman, we have decided to head down to the emergency department for some help. Bleeding at 8.5 weeks is very unsettling especially since the bleeding seems to have stopped the past week. Pelvic scan showed a very faint picture so the doctor went vaginal ultrasound-way.
The expression on the doctor's face is not one I am familiar with.
My little peanut has a very faint, if valid, heartbeart. You can hardly see it, which is unusal for an 8.5 week old foetus. And sadly, she only measures just under the size of a 6 week old foetus. And judging by the dates, if I am correct about the dates, everything looks bad. My little peanut just couldn't grow. She couldn't keep growing. She didn't grow in the past weeks when I am busily thinking about prams and new sleeping arrangements and small, tiny little newborn nappies. And my arms around two beautiful children.
My referral letter wrote `missed abortion'.
I had to call my good doctor immediately. He heard the numbers and organised for me to immediately head down to his rooms for a second scan. A few hours later, by the time I was on his examination table, my little peanut's heartbeat is gone.
I hardly even have time to digest her first pictures and she is gone.
I am to wait for another week, to see if my body will let Peanut go naturally, if not I am to have the option of a D&C. I was given a bunch of pregnancy loss pamphlets by the hospital to read. Including various methods of `letting go conception tissue'. A terrible, terrible use of words for me at this stage. Terrible.
I don't want you to go Penelope. I have a song for you. You will always be mine.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Waiting
It is still slowly sinking in - the idea of being pregnant again.
Never in my widest dreams - never in all of the many visions I've had, never.
Soon after my last post I found a wee bit of brown spotting, which grew to a red spotting over the next week. I still have a bit here and there, but as much as I would like to check all the time - who has the time to check for bleeding when you are running after a very cheeky and active 17 month old?
Went through the `normal' channels of getting pregnancy support - a local GP whom I have never seen before (my usual GP was unavailable at the time). He wrote me up bloodwork request for a 12 week scan. I reminded him that I am spotting so he chucked that bit of paperwork out, and re-wrote me two pieces of bloodtest request over a period of three days, to check for - get this - FULL BLOOD COUNT. Not E2, not HCG, not P4, but it is very important to check for full blood count this week - twice. So obviously I was a little surprised when I rang for results they told me they have no idea how pregnant I am, or why I am spotting. But my full blood count is good. So good that I am to do it again the next day.
Well - so much for dealing with this GP. I threw the other bit of paperwork out and rang my good doctor (OBS) - he sent me straight away to his fertility clinic and had the proper blood tests done.
HCG and P4 was ALOT lower than what I had with Poopee around the same time.
~ 5.5 weeks - HCG = 4600, P4 = 37 (this time)
~ 5.5 weeks - HCG = 12,000, P4 = 70 (Poopee)
Today (a week later) - numbers have doubled nicely and looks like we might be able to keep this little one. First scan scheduled in two weeks time. I have no idea how pregnant I am, because HCG is not indicative of the pregnancy unless you have a scan to go with it - but roughly working the numbers out - this little one is due on the same day Poopee did. (But Poopee arrived at 38 weeks). Very, very bizarre.
Apeman is stoked, I am a little scared, a bit unprepared. Even Poopee can sense the new life inside of me - she reaches into my top and pinches the left nipple alot this week - as if to make claim of that nipple before her brother/sister gets a hold of it. Strange little things.
Never in my widest dreams - never in all of the many visions I've had, never.
Soon after my last post I found a wee bit of brown spotting, which grew to a red spotting over the next week. I still have a bit here and there, but as much as I would like to check all the time - who has the time to check for bleeding when you are running after a very cheeky and active 17 month old?
Went through the `normal' channels of getting pregnancy support - a local GP whom I have never seen before (my usual GP was unavailable at the time). He wrote me up bloodwork request for a 12 week scan. I reminded him that I am spotting so he chucked that bit of paperwork out, and re-wrote me two pieces of bloodtest request over a period of three days, to check for - get this - FULL BLOOD COUNT. Not E2, not HCG, not P4, but it is very important to check for full blood count this week - twice. So obviously I was a little surprised when I rang for results they told me they have no idea how pregnant I am, or why I am spotting. But my full blood count is good. So good that I am to do it again the next day.
Well - so much for dealing with this GP. I threw the other bit of paperwork out and rang my good doctor (OBS) - he sent me straight away to his fertility clinic and had the proper blood tests done.
HCG and P4 was ALOT lower than what I had with Poopee around the same time.
~ 5.5 weeks - HCG = 4600, P4 = 37 (this time)
~ 5.5 weeks - HCG = 12,000, P4 = 70 (Poopee)
Today (a week later) - numbers have doubled nicely and looks like we might be able to keep this little one. First scan scheduled in two weeks time. I have no idea how pregnant I am, because HCG is not indicative of the pregnancy unless you have a scan to go with it - but roughly working the numbers out - this little one is due on the same day Poopee did. (But Poopee arrived at 38 weeks). Very, very bizarre.
Apeman is stoked, I am a little scared, a bit unprepared. Even Poopee can sense the new life inside of me - she reaches into my top and pinches the left nipple alot this week - as if to make claim of that nipple before her brother/sister gets a hold of it. Strange little things.
Saturday, August 09, 2008
WDF?
Realised this morning my persistent chin/jaw acne has suddenly disappeared. I looked into the mirror and saw a clear faced Drew - but also a very tired, haggard looking Drew.
I thought - oh my God. I am pregnant.
We went out to the markets to buy fresh fruits and veges, then dropped by a pharmacy to pick up a 2-test pregnancy test kit. Went home - peed on some sticks.
Two lines.
My first words - WHAT THE FUCK!?!!! (Quite unlike our tears of joy with Poopee).
Fifteen minutes later - peed on another stick.
Two lines. Again. Very quickly.
I am pregnant.
I think about five to five and a half weeks? Maybe six?
I am in shock at the moment. Me and Apeman were wondering how can this second miracle happen when we only had sex once this month. I still remember it - during Jamie Oliver's show about bad eating - the one where a few bodies were dissected in front of the audience.
No idea what to do next at the moment as I am battling a bad virus (coughing, blocked nose, headache, fatigue) and looking after a sick Poopee.
Will see what happens next. I just,
just cannot believe this.
All those years of fertility treatment. I - we - feel very, very blessed.
I thought - oh my God. I am pregnant.
We went out to the markets to buy fresh fruits and veges, then dropped by a pharmacy to pick up a 2-test pregnancy test kit. Went home - peed on some sticks.
Two lines.
My first words - WHAT THE FUCK!?!!! (Quite unlike our tears of joy with Poopee).
Fifteen minutes later - peed on another stick.
Two lines. Again. Very quickly.
I am pregnant.
I think about five to five and a half weeks? Maybe six?
I am in shock at the moment. Me and Apeman were wondering how can this second miracle happen when we only had sex once this month. I still remember it - during Jamie Oliver's show about bad eating - the one where a few bodies were dissected in front of the audience.
No idea what to do next at the moment as I am battling a bad virus (coughing, blocked nose, headache, fatigue) and looking after a sick Poopee.
Will see what happens next. I just,
just cannot believe this.
All those years of fertility treatment. I - we - feel very, very blessed.
Sunday, August 03, 2008
That same old loving feeling
Poopee's been sick with a nasty flu she caught from her cousins. Poor thing was coughing all night and has a pretty high temperature. Many times I wish it was me who has the cough and fever. Not my baby. :(
Poopee now 16 months. She had her first playgroup fight the other day with a boy a little bigger than her. She snatched something off him, he snatched it back from her, she chased him down and snatched it back. He tried to snatch it back and after much tugging and pulling they both fell on the floor. Cruelly I was in hysterics (with the other mothers in the playgroup!) because since knowing these babies from birth - we just witnessed our first FIGHT!
Walked past a newsagency and saw some hardcover children's books. I picked up a cute one about a little pig called Penelope. And just when I was about to leave and pay for the book, I saw a cheap one (for $5!) called A world of Baby Names. I flipped through it quickly and realise it was full of old medieval names like Anand and Hibah and Meade. I guess it is better than calling your little ray of sunshine Grass or Raindrops or Moonbeam. It was $5 so I bought it.
I am not trying for a baby. But Apeman is. So in between I guess we have some sort of try-not-try situation. My period has been eerily regular since I got it back earlier this year - it is a week late this month but I honestly think it is just around the corner. I am too scared to even do a test or think about babies (though that Baby Names book is not going to help). I am just happy with the way things are at the moment. Life is already good.
Will see what happens.
Poopee now 16 months. She had her first playgroup fight the other day with a boy a little bigger than her. She snatched something off him, he snatched it back from her, she chased him down and snatched it back. He tried to snatch it back and after much tugging and pulling they both fell on the floor. Cruelly I was in hysterics (with the other mothers in the playgroup!) because since knowing these babies from birth - we just witnessed our first FIGHT!
Walked past a newsagency and saw some hardcover children's books. I picked up a cute one about a little pig called Penelope. And just when I was about to leave and pay for the book, I saw a cheap one (for $5!) called A world of Baby Names. I flipped through it quickly and realise it was full of old medieval names like Anand and Hibah and Meade. I guess it is better than calling your little ray of sunshine Grass or Raindrops or Moonbeam. It was $5 so I bought it.
I am not trying for a baby. But Apeman is. So in between I guess we have some sort of try-not-try situation. My period has been eerily regular since I got it back earlier this year - it is a week late this month but I honestly think it is just around the corner. I am too scared to even do a test or think about babies (though that Baby Names book is not going to help). I am just happy with the way things are at the moment. Life is already good.
Will see what happens.
Friday, May 09, 2008
The birthday party
Took Poopee to her first ever birthday party - a friend's 4 year old birthday party.
It was quite a strange experience. Very awkward moments indeed.
I was bombarded with twenty or so women - all mothers or mothers to be, lavishing attention to their own babies/children and/or other people's babies/children, discussing certain impending births, and in particular - a friend of a friend's who just gave birth this morning (hmm.. ahh...her water broke first then it was over and done with very quickly!).
It was mumzilla overdrive. The chaos nearly sent my otherwise idle ovary into ovulation overdrive.
Me and Poopee had a pretty nice time. She wanted to explore the house, walking rather wobbly with me partially supporting her. A few mums commented that my full-headed girl look a little like Suri Cruise - the Asian version of course. It is rather complimentary to be told my gorgeousness resembles the child of movie stars. But not so complimented to think I might have given birth silently like Katie.
New trick today - she has developed a temper. You take an object of interest off her hand - she chucks the biggest tantrum and jumps up and down to display her dissatisfaction/anger - and if you EVEN try to pacify her with another toy - she grabs it and throws it away with as much force as possible.
Nice work, darling.
It was quite a strange experience. Very awkward moments indeed.
I was bombarded with twenty or so women - all mothers or mothers to be, lavishing attention to their own babies/children and/or other people's babies/children, discussing certain impending births, and in particular - a friend of a friend's who just gave birth this morning (hmm.. ahh...her water broke first then it was over and done with very quickly!).
It was mumzilla overdrive. The chaos nearly sent my otherwise idle ovary into ovulation overdrive.
Me and Poopee had a pretty nice time. She wanted to explore the house, walking rather wobbly with me partially supporting her. A few mums commented that my full-headed girl look a little like Suri Cruise - the Asian version of course. It is rather complimentary to be told my gorgeousness resembles the child of movie stars. But not so complimented to think I might have given birth silently like Katie.
New trick today - she has developed a temper. You take an object of interest off her hand - she chucks the biggest tantrum and jumps up and down to display her dissatisfaction/anger - and if you EVEN try to pacify her with another toy - she grabs it and throws it away with as much force as possible.
Nice work, darling.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Where did I go?
Been reading this book.
Incredible, incredible stuff. I cannot believe how much this woman had endured, and how much the people who had hurt her got away with all those years. I was overwhelmed with sadness as I read about her experiences.
These child molesters should be locked away for good. Throw the key away. Jail is too good for them.
Got my first real period last week. I had a two year break from aunt-flow. Throughout my pregnancy I was too scared to see even a tiny speck of blood - so it was always dreaded. And during Poopee's first year - I was happy to be relieved from it because a raging period is not something that goes well with lack of sleep and other baby maintenance activities.
Even before I reached for my first bag of sanitary napkins - Apeman gleefully announced to me that it is Time To Try For A Second ONE.
`A second one of what?'
`A BABY! A sister or brother for M......'.
Haven't quite made up my mind about this second baby business. I am enjoying my gorgeous girl way too much to even think about the possibility of a second baby. Too lazy now. Don't want to tread (even if it is slowly) down the infertility roller-coaster. I had to remind Apeman that just because we had one baby successfully does not necessary mean the next baby is going to be easy come.
Plus I think I need at least two years (or some nafty plastic surgery) to recover from all that pulling my Poopee is doing to my nipples. Yikes!
Sunday, April 06, 2008
My girl
Poopee turned one two weeks ago.
I threw her a big, pink, girly party.
She is not quite walking on her own yet, but she is a little cheeky monkey - crawling and climbing everywhere and everything.
My favourite thing to do with her is to pull `KISS' faces by sticking our tongues out in front of the mirror whilst doing the rock n roll gesture with our fingers.
Everyday is beautiful with her.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Oh What a year!
Just want to say this:
A fabulous year indeed.
If two years ago, somebody tapped me on the shoulder and said - hey - two Christmases later you will be a mum - you will sit under the Christmas tree and open presents up with a baby who is your sweetness and light - I will probably tell that person yeah right. Thanks for giving me hope but I just can't see it happening.
But it did. And everything fell into place, and I am a mother. Wow. So happy everyday with my Poopee. Even now she has teeth and bites where it hurts most. Even with our continued broken nights. Everything pales in comparison to the times I get to spend with my Poopee.
I sincerely would like to wish everybody much happiness for 2008. To my cyberfriends who drop in every now and then, those whose dreams have been fulfilled, and those who are still patiently struggling through. Cheers and beers for everybody.
Love to you.
A fabulous year indeed.
If two years ago, somebody tapped me on the shoulder and said - hey - two Christmases later you will be a mum - you will sit under the Christmas tree and open presents up with a baby who is your sweetness and light - I will probably tell that person yeah right. Thanks for giving me hope but I just can't see it happening.
But it did. And everything fell into place, and I am a mother. Wow. So happy everyday with my Poopee. Even now she has teeth and bites where it hurts most. Even with our continued broken nights. Everything pales in comparison to the times I get to spend with my Poopee.
I sincerely would like to wish everybody much happiness for 2008. To my cyberfriends who drop in every now and then, those whose dreams have been fulfilled, and those who are still patiently struggling through. Cheers and beers for everybody.
Love to you.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
The Helicopter Parent
Always the late bloomer, for the first time since Poopee was born, I had my first `outing' - a.k.a. all by myself - for more than four hours. I went to have my hair rebonded.
Frank convinced me to give some time to myself, so he volunteered his mother to babysit Poopee whilst I had my hair done. I thought about it for at least two months already, especially since I have so much trouble dealing with my mother in law.
I drove over to her place, I gave her my packed bags (yes, bagzzz), I thanked her, blew Poopee a kissy wissy, and then I walked out of the door quickly before I change my mind. The moment the door was closed I heard my baby cry, it wasn't a tantrum cry - it was a fearful cry. I banged on the door, MIL opened up and I saw my baby with big tears and red rimmed eyes. I walked in and asked to hold Poopee (and she reached out for me) and I started to cry too.
Probably think I am nuts. Can't help it.
I am sure I will be much better with this separation thing next time.
In the end - I went, I have nice straight hair again.
Poopee was fine too. From what I heard later, Apeman had to drive MIL back to our house with Poopee because she was terrified of her new surroundings (and of MIL). She was happy as soon as she's home. And happier once she saw me four hours later.
Frank convinced me to give some time to myself, so he volunteered his mother to babysit Poopee whilst I had my hair done. I thought about it for at least two months already, especially since I have so much trouble dealing with my mother in law.
I drove over to her place, I gave her my packed bags (yes, bagzzz), I thanked her, blew Poopee a kissy wissy, and then I walked out of the door quickly before I change my mind. The moment the door was closed I heard my baby cry, it wasn't a tantrum cry - it was a fearful cry. I banged on the door, MIL opened up and I saw my baby with big tears and red rimmed eyes. I walked in and asked to hold Poopee (and she reached out for me) and I started to cry too.
Probably think I am nuts. Can't help it.
I am sure I will be much better with this separation thing next time.
In the end - I went, I have nice straight hair again.
Poopee was fine too. From what I heard later, Apeman had to drive MIL back to our house with Poopee because she was terrified of her new surroundings (and of MIL). She was happy as soon as she's home. And happier once she saw me four hours later.
Friday, November 16, 2007
It finally happened!
Well, nearly anyway.
I tried to sit my nearly eight month old Poopee up next to me today on our love seat. She is still a little wobbly sitting up on her own, so we need lots of practice.
Just as she had steadied herself, she leaned on me, with both arms encircling my waist, and looked up. It was the closest thing to a voluntary hug (with the alternative being my bear hugs to her). She brushed my arms gently (with the alternative being the lashing of my flesh with her sharp nails), and mumbled `Ma Ma'.
I think it was just a part of her speech development as a baby, she started saying `Ba ba ba ba...' since six and a half months to just about anybody including Apeman (not a good look when she calls out `Ba ba' to the butcher), but it was only recently she started the `Ma ma' thing. Today it is the first time she looked to me and say it.
Hey I will take it. Whether or not she means it that's good enough for me. She reduced me to tears. I have been waiting to hear that for a very long time.
I tried to sit my nearly eight month old Poopee up next to me today on our love seat. She is still a little wobbly sitting up on her own, so we need lots of practice.
Just as she had steadied herself, she leaned on me, with both arms encircling my waist, and looked up. It was the closest thing to a voluntary hug (with the alternative being my bear hugs to her). She brushed my arms gently (with the alternative being the lashing of my flesh with her sharp nails), and mumbled `Ma Ma'.
I think it was just a part of her speech development as a baby, she started saying `Ba ba ba ba...' since six and a half months to just about anybody including Apeman (not a good look when she calls out `Ba ba' to the butcher), but it was only recently she started the `Ma ma' thing. Today it is the first time she looked to me and say it.
Hey I will take it. Whether or not she means it that's good enough for me. She reduced me to tears. I have been waiting to hear that for a very long time.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
And then she's nearly eight months
She is all sweetness and light. As corny as it may sound - she is the very reason I wake up every morning feeling in love and be loved.
Even though my love-bug is a frequent waker during the night. Sometimes as much as five or six times per night.
But oh, I am so, so in love.
Aunty Drew: `You know, I am totally in love with Megan.'
Niece (8 years old): `Aunty Drew, you know there are laws against things like this.'
Aunty Drew: *Gup*
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Max
Our beloved Max passed away last night after a very sudden complication with his bowels, and two surgeries conducted as a result of that. His bowels apparently twisted severely, possibly from a genetic disorder, causing him excruitiating pain.
We are not taking it well at all. We miss him so much. Our house is never the same again with our favourite son. I still look out at the backyard and expect him to run towards us urging us to play ball with him.
We love you Max. Mummy miss you very much. Thank you for being there for every single heartache we suffered the past few years. It was a pleasure to have you as a part of the family.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Vomit
I am not a particularly bitchy person. I don't ever hold grudges against anybody - if I ever get angry enough to hate a person - it usually lasts as long as my short term memory - which is pretty short.
But right now, at this moment, I really want to yank my mother in law, by the head, and throw her out of my house.
Poopee became sick a few days ago. It was as per the doctor diagnosed - a common cold. As soon as she found out Poopee's sick, she nearly ramped her SVU into the post box on my driveway, creating skid marks, just to see Poopee. She threw me an angry look and said, `Is your daughter sick?' - as if its entirely my fault and my failure as a mother. When she saw Poopee - she was like, `Oh my God! You poor thing, don't worry grandma's here, you must be in a lot of pain you poor thing.'
I had the scary urge of doing that yank hair throw out of house thing.
Before I had a chance to do so - she had a go at me for taking her out to dinner the previous night, which, I must add, it was a dinner she participated in as well. Her sons wanted to take her out to dinner, and she didn't exactly turn the opportunity down. She said Poopee's now sick because we were `greedy' for restaurant food.
I don't know how to react to that comment except to say well then, we won't go out again at night for dinner. It's difficult - the typical reaction to that comment should be a stern `GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE'. But in my case, due to Apeman's closeness to his mother, it is difficult for me to have such a big reaction towards his saintly mother. It will cause a certain marriage rift. He has, on many occasions, tell me I should tell his mother exactly how I feel, but how can you? This woman doesn't listen. At times she is happy to humour me and do what I told her to, but eventually revert to what she feels is best. Other times she will speak down to me as if I am retarded. And anyway, how can I use Apeman's version of `stern language' and tell his mother where to go? She's bound to get upset and therefore causing troubles between me and Apeman.
I should be at my happiest. And I am in some ways. I look at my girl everyday and see that beautiful face of hers and wonder - how can we be so damn lucky? But lately, with my mother in law visiting us nearly every day (now that she has a reason to - Poopee), and spending up to four hours with us - watching us eat (she won't eat anything I cooked and look at what I cooked with an amused look), hogging Poopee, watching TV with us, talking to Apeman as if I don't exist - I feel like I want to vomit everytime I hear her car pulls up at our driveway. I want to throw her out even before she has a chance to get into our house. But I can't.
She makes me so unhappy. She makes me feel so unworthy sometimes with the things she say to me. And when I tell Apeman about it - he tells me its just the way his mum speaks. But it hurts. Everytime.
I must sound pathetic to you. I can't even stand up to this person in my own house.
Amusingly, she even told me I should stop breastfeeding Poopee when she was four months old. I found out later that it's because she expects me to return to the workforce and she will take over the full time care of my precious beloved. So it is easier for her for Poopee to be on formula.
This is one thing I can promise - not over my dead body will she be caring for my daughter.
But right now, at this moment, I really want to yank my mother in law, by the head, and throw her out of my house.
Poopee became sick a few days ago. It was as per the doctor diagnosed - a common cold. As soon as she found out Poopee's sick, she nearly ramped her SVU into the post box on my driveway, creating skid marks, just to see Poopee. She threw me an angry look and said, `Is your daughter sick?' - as if its entirely my fault and my failure as a mother. When she saw Poopee - she was like, `Oh my God! You poor thing, don't worry grandma's here, you must be in a lot of pain you poor thing.'
I had the scary urge of doing that yank hair throw out of house thing.
Before I had a chance to do so - she had a go at me for taking her out to dinner the previous night, which, I must add, it was a dinner she participated in as well. Her sons wanted to take her out to dinner, and she didn't exactly turn the opportunity down. She said Poopee's now sick because we were `greedy' for restaurant food.
I don't know how to react to that comment except to say well then, we won't go out again at night for dinner. It's difficult - the typical reaction to that comment should be a stern `GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE'. But in my case, due to Apeman's closeness to his mother, it is difficult for me to have such a big reaction towards his saintly mother. It will cause a certain marriage rift. He has, on many occasions, tell me I should tell his mother exactly how I feel, but how can you? This woman doesn't listen. At times she is happy to humour me and do what I told her to, but eventually revert to what she feels is best. Other times she will speak down to me as if I am retarded. And anyway, how can I use Apeman's version of `stern language' and tell his mother where to go? She's bound to get upset and therefore causing troubles between me and Apeman.
I should be at my happiest. And I am in some ways. I look at my girl everyday and see that beautiful face of hers and wonder - how can we be so damn lucky? But lately, with my mother in law visiting us nearly every day (now that she has a reason to - Poopee), and spending up to four hours with us - watching us eat (she won't eat anything I cooked and look at what I cooked with an amused look), hogging Poopee, watching TV with us, talking to Apeman as if I don't exist - I feel like I want to vomit everytime I hear her car pulls up at our driveway. I want to throw her out even before she has a chance to get into our house. But I can't.
She makes me so unhappy. She makes me feel so unworthy sometimes with the things she say to me. And when I tell Apeman about it - he tells me its just the way his mum speaks. But it hurts. Everytime.
I must sound pathetic to you. I can't even stand up to this person in my own house.
Amusingly, she even told me I should stop breastfeeding Poopee when she was four months old. I found out later that it's because she expects me to return to the workforce and she will take over the full time care of my precious beloved. So it is easier for her for Poopee to be on formula.
This is one thing I can promise - not over my dead body will she be caring for my daughter.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
The Passports
I can only write this quickly as Poopee is currently strapped unwillingly to her $14.95 stroller. From the gibberish baby noises she is making, it sounds a bit like `THIS IS SO NOT COOL MUM.'
We received our passports via special delivery today. I had to renew mine, and Poopee needs a spanking new one. Just want to say the way they want you to be photographed is plain crap. No smiles, no smirks, no sideway flattery shots (as per Mariah Carey who always gets photographed from her right hand side because its prettier). Me and Poopee ended up looking like constipated prison escapees with no soul.
Poopee still managed to look like a doll though. :)
We received our passports via special delivery today. I had to renew mine, and Poopee needs a spanking new one. Just want to say the way they want you to be photographed is plain crap. No smiles, no smirks, no sideway flattery shots (as per Mariah Carey who always gets photographed from her right hand side because its prettier). Me and Poopee ended up looking like constipated prison escapees with no soul.
Poopee still managed to look like a doll though. :)
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
She turned five months...
This time last year I was hoping and praying. I was probably sitting in the hospital emergency room waiting to be seen by a doctor due to first trimester spotting.
Today my baby girl turns five months.
Happy fifth month birthday darling. Mummy is so incredibly proud and grateful to have you wake up next to me every morning.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Strike Two
My mother in law yesterday decided that it is necessary to visit twice a day just to get enough baby time with Poopee. She has been asking me lots of questions lately about (me) returning to work etc. I never even hinted to her that I want to return to work.
She walked into our bedroom, looked down at our (sound) asleep Poopee. I decided to leave her alone so she can watch Poopee in peace. Within seconds, I saw her coming out of our bedroom with a (now) awoken Poopee in arms. She always does this. She comes over, and wakes my Poopee up just so she can play with her.
It's fine if she is here once a week or something. But twice a day does not give her the right to wake my baby up whenever she wants. She is a supposingly experienced mother herself, she should know better than to wake up a sleepy baby, especially since it has taken me more than an hour to put her to sleep.
I don't know if I should lose it with her. I am fucking angry.
She walked into our bedroom, looked down at our (sound) asleep Poopee. I decided to leave her alone so she can watch Poopee in peace. Within seconds, I saw her coming out of our bedroom with a (now) awoken Poopee in arms. She always does this. She comes over, and wakes my Poopee up just so she can play with her.
It's fine if she is here once a week or something. But twice a day does not give her the right to wake my baby up whenever she wants. She is a supposingly experienced mother herself, she should know better than to wake up a sleepy baby, especially since it has taken me more than an hour to put her to sleep.
I don't know if I should lose it with her. I am fucking angry.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
The sign
One day we took a small trip to the local shops. As we stopped at the red light, I looked behind to check on Poopee, I saw her spikey haired head bobbing up and down, making baby gurgling noises that was music to my ears. Then I saw the BABY ON BOARD signage stuck to the rear window of our SUV.
That reminded me years ago, right after my second or third IVF cycle failure, I was dragged to a Baby-Pregnancy expo by a non-friend. A stall selling child restraint gear was giving those signages out for free. A woman handed me one as I walked past, I accpeted, and tucked it in a bag full of Ribena drinks I purchased that day.
We moved house twice since then. The signage travelled with us. It was moved from one drawer to another, tucked in a box, thrown away twice, retrieved and cleaned again, and eventually was lost in a pile of infertility collectibles including DVDs from specialist fertility centres from the US, my glory ovaries photos, my surgery photos, my IVF bills.
Right after the birth of Poopee, when I was cleaning up the room for her, I found this signage. I finally have the opportunity and legit reason to use it. I have a baby. In a car. With me.
Poopee and I came a long way. Though she's only four and a half months old, I feel like I have known her forever.
That reminded me years ago, right after my second or third IVF cycle failure, I was dragged to a Baby-Pregnancy expo by a non-friend. A stall selling child restraint gear was giving those signages out for free. A woman handed me one as I walked past, I accpeted, and tucked it in a bag full of Ribena drinks I purchased that day.
We moved house twice since then. The signage travelled with us. It was moved from one drawer to another, tucked in a box, thrown away twice, retrieved and cleaned again, and eventually was lost in a pile of infertility collectibles including DVDs from specialist fertility centres from the US, my glory ovaries photos, my surgery photos, my IVF bills.
Right after the birth of Poopee, when I was cleaning up the room for her, I found this signage. I finally have the opportunity and legit reason to use it. I have a baby. In a car. With me.
Poopee and I came a long way. Though she's only four and a half months old, I feel like I have known her forever.
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