Maybe Babeee

This sucks. I was doing alright on the `I don't need to have a baby to make me happy' wagon, then I went and borrowed the `Maybe Baby' movie.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0206926/

I was doing okay during most of the movie - very typical IVF story with the doctor's room stories, the sperm tests, the ovulation tests, the friggin jabs, the "let's not bother her with this, she's on hormone injections so she is a little irrational", the timed intercourse, the legs up after sex, the vaginal probing with a young medical student in attendence...etc. Then it cut to the scene in which she discovered her period after the two week wait (which I was fine with it), and then several dramatic events later, she made a reference to how her two embryos (whom she has names for) are now dead because she is having a period.

Then I just lost it and sobbed for quite a while. I think it was probably because I didn't cry over my 7th failed attempt - I have been saving my tears for this moment - because really I have lost a part of me and Babe - with or without names they are still a part of us. I've been saying that I feel really numb since my last few attempts. I `numb' myself by not analysing what is happening because it makes me feel better and like a normal person.

There was also one other scene in which the husband was sitting next to his (heavily sedated) wife whilst the doctor carried out the egg extraction. Then I remembered during my 7th attempt as I walked into the recovery room (to get ready for transfer) there was a woman there who just came out of egg collection, she was still hooked up to the drip and monitor so it looked pretty horrendus - I think it was the first time I was conscious enough to see what it is like to come out of an egg collection. It just looked painful. I feel sorry for my husband who has to watch me go in and out of surgery so many times. I told him I don't want to go through another surgery again.

And I am still waiting for that 3-inch scar below my bikini line to heal properly - it still looks pretty red so I haven't done any serious waxing in that area as yet, and the stitching wasn't the best so it looks like I have a small fold in the skin (like skippy). So I guess I cannot go through with the porn-star route as planned when I turn 35.

And sometimes, when I have an idle moment, I press deeply into my left pelvic region to see if there is any `space' left behind as a result of my ovary removal. It doesn't hurt - it is still a little tender but I think it is probably imaginary. Things I do to amuse myself at times.

I miss you Deirdre but not the problems you caused me.