I lost my marbles and am still looking for them.

I have finally found the energy and drive to do a post.

This FET attempt is all over again. This will go down as the 8th attempt.

I hung on till 16dpo - the longest ever without breakthrough bleeding. It was a rather strange cycle - because at 9dpo I started to cramp, then I thought oh fuck its all over again. Then I cramped again on days 10, 11 and 12 dpo. But then on 13 and 14 dpo I didn't cramp and still no bleeding. Then just when I was slowly settling into the idea of MAYBE, just MAYBE it worked this time, I fucking found blood on the tissue paper I blotted myself with on 16dpo.

So today the body temperature dropped for the first time since I ovulated. It dropped from the usual 37°C to 36.7°C - for the untrained it means I am back to my `normal' basal body temperature, which means the lining was breaking down. And I was right.

Again.

Why do I know so much? Can't I just be ignorant and live like a normal person and oops I just threw up there, and ooh maybe I'm pregnant, so let's do a pee test, and oh I am right. And then congratulations Drew, you are three months pregnant you knobhead.

But I don't have that luxury. The bosses upstairs have decided I need to do things the hard way.

I totally lost my marbles the last two days, so I took a few days off work. I sat at home for hours wondering what is becoming of me. What am I doing here. What is there left in this world for me to do. Why doesn't it work? Is 8 times too much for me and should I just give up and enjoy the rest of the thirties and be content with life.

That house we are currently building, on the second floor, we have included a little room next to the master suite, and is conveniently situated next to an upstairs kitchenette (a basin + bar fridge corner thing). Apeman saids the basin is to be used for bathing the baby - and the little room can be the nursery. I said what happens if there is no baby, like EVER? He replied then we can use it to wash our wine glasses with.

We are not asking for much. We are not greedy. We just want one baby. We don't want to start a cult, we don't do drugs, we don't smoke, fuck we don't even drink, we don't have expensive habits (except for me, I have an occasional shoe habit), we haven't harmed anybody - we are good people who work hard to earn a living and are law abiding citizens. We vote for whichever political party who told the less lies, we pay hommage to charities. We are not mean to animals, we eat out alot to support our local small businesses. We are just normal people wishing for something that happens to ordinary people everyday.

I finally mustered enough energy to go to work this morning and discovered some `great news'. In my inbox - there is a message from a friend who got married two years ago. They are 3 months pregnant with baby - whoo hoo. I sank back into my shitty chair and stared into space for what seemed to be ages and cannot possibly believe the bad timing of this piece of `good news'. I managed to switch into auto-pilot, went to my boss and told him I need to go on a holiday. I don't care if he wants to sack me because I have been so inefficient lately by taking so many days off - because now I need another two weeks off or else I will go insane. I don't want to become a manic depressive person who staples my hair to my calculation folder - I just want to be normal and hopefully by going for a small break I can get some of my `jive' back. He agreed and said go for your life and do some good shopping and relax. I thanked him in tears.

So here I am.

Well.

What to do.

The Stork Flew By and Forgot To Drop Me Off a Baby

Just want to say I started to cramp today. At 9 days past ovulation. Yup. About right.

I consulted the PDA and checked my EXCEL files on my previous cycles - cramps usually start on Day 9 for me and get progressively worse in the next few days.

What are the higher powers above trying to tell me? What message do they have for me this time?

Am just really, really shitted off of course.

How DO you make a baby? How on earth can I get pregnant?

I am going to stay put - but I figured I am better off climbing trees because of the uncertainties ahead.

Surviving

The shuttle has returned to the mothership - and is now waiting to land.

The whole thing went really well actually - the actual transfer was fast, efficient, and painless. It seems in my previous tranfers not once did I not feel gorged/probed for a good half hour before I was told it's `all in and all done'. This time I can actually see our little muffin injected into my uterus - actually it is quite cute when thinking about it.

And of course, as usual - I bleed a little bit towards the end of the transfer day - not sure why. I was told maybe it was because my cervix is `really' sensitive. So even a little bit of minor disturbance can rupture the blood vessels there. Whatever. I don't like any sort of bleeding if it is not for my period. Period.

I may sound optimistic here, but I am so shit scared. I already have discussed with Ape-man about our next game plan - I want to do a fresh cycle so we can have our embryos testing for any genetic problems. Because as far as I am concerned - I seem to be doing okay hormonally - had my post-embryo transfer blood test yesterday. Estrogen and progesterone seems to be flying high at 722 and 48 respectively. So the lining is sufficiently supported. I just need to know why my embryos aren't connecting with me.

And then, I did almost everything I can possibly manage to fuck up this cycle.

I cheated with a really non-healthy breakfast two days in a roll - (fried bacon + double eggs + mushrooms + spinach + sausages + toasts + fried tomatoes + hot chocoloate). I had acrylic nails done (was hoping by having pretty nails it will at least make me think about IVF less), and then today I walked for 45 minutes to find a friggin place who can take my acrylic nails off because I looked like a porn star with these extra long plastic talons. I soaked my hands in acetone/methanol/tri-gliceratic polyamide acid for half an hour until the nail technician can fully file the plastic off my fingernails. I mopped, and I vacuumed (but only very lightly). I prepared a three course meal for Apeman yesterday, AND did all the dishes, wiped down the bench, and then wiped down the friggin stove.

This is in comparison to my other cycles - I treat myself and I ask other people to treat me like a disabled person. I didn't lift a single finger. I did fuck-all for two weeks.

Basically this time I try to live as normal as I can - because I refuse, I REFUSE to let IVF beat me once again. I want whoever is in charge to know that it takes more than another failed cycle to bring me down.

I guess emotionally I wasn't looking after myself either - I went to an adoption breakfast on Sunday. It wasn't as bad as I thought it will be - it was just a nice chit-chat with other parents who are going through the adoption process. All I can say is - I was really touched. It was just so beautiful watching the bond between the adoptive mother and child.

I am going to wait patiently this time. Testing 1st Sept.

The clock just keep ticking slowly......

Seems to be forever waiting for my FET.

The uncomfortable feeling started on on wednesday night - I got out of the car after battling the traffic on my way home - and felt my heart sank. I thought about the FET on saturday - I felt sick.

Once upon a time I used to be all giddy and excited about this whole IVF thing. I used to think about what to say or do when it works out - who to tell first, how to structure my acceptance speech for the clinic.... and once I get the results of my doomed cycles, I was left alone to pick up the pieces. I stock up on the pads, I buy tampons, I sulked, I cried, I whinged, I waited for the larger pieces of my period to come through and think about my lost embryos, I got angry, I say to myself never again. And for at least a few weeks after that I refuse to go near pregnancy central (ie. daytime shopping, the maternity ward route of my old clinic, certain pregnant friends, and a certain northen suburb shopping centre so I don't have to bump into that annoying `ooh I love babies' bitch).

Just rang the clinic - I expect them to hype me up about the big FET event tomorrow. Except I was just told, call again tomorrow morning to double confirm the FET time (and to check if there is going to be a FET at all), bye for now.

So I am going to do what was told and just wait. Nothing else I can do really.

I am shitty today because I am scared.

Young Ones

Today I wanted to have a `normal' work lunch - so I went for a walk for a change.

Power walked past the newsagency, the bank, and just when I was about to enter the `good' shops and submerge myself into some lunch time retail therapy - two very pretty and very YOUNG fertility goddesses waddled past. No, actually they didn't waddle, they walked like your ordinary teenager actually.

They had the long straight hair (the sleek look), the tight fitted tops and cropped jacket, the trendy `must-have' wide leather belts around the hips (can you have hips during pregnancy???), the trendy beaded necklaces around the neck, the slim-fitting Sass and Bide jeans, and the ballet slipper styled shoes Marie-Claire saids we HAD to have this season. If the baby bumps aren't that visible I would've thought they were about to go night-clubbing.

Yes - the two girls (who looked like they were in their early twenties) were both pregnant and dressed in similar chic fashion.

I felt myself aged about 20 years in front of them. It's as bad as watching Becky Cartwright giving birth to twins with blond little ringlets in the middle of the Australian Open tennis court.

Whilst they glided past me and walked into a `must-go-to' juice bar - I sulked in silence. How lucky are they? Two best friends, both young, and trendy, and probably with loving/adoring husbands/partners, and obviously no jobs ..... and I struggle with silly little things like ovulation every month.

I am going to keep this story to myself and not tell Ape-man about it. He is going to tell me off and say shit like,

`Aww it's like that, when you are young and pregnant, you probably wish you are single, childless and have a brilliant career/live'.

Well, I want a baby now. Been saying that for five years. I've done the young and single bit, I guess I am doing it now in a way except I have husband, but I also want a baby. I want the fruits of our love, I want it all.

I just want to be normal.

I remembered once I was at the casino after a rather messy family gathering one night. Mom insisted I put some money on the fruit wheel - I was reluctant because I was too tight-arsed to even part $2 at a place like the casino. In the end I gave in and put $2 down on the water-melon. The wheel turned and landed on the water-melon. I won $2. Me and mom were jumping up and down and laughed hysterically- people thought we won big. But we only won $2.

That's how I feel sometimes when I tell loved ones that I fucking OVULATED on my own this month with no drugs. But whatever rocks my boat I guess, it makes me happy.

Am feeling much better today after the ovulation. I am going to start connecting emotionally with my wee frozen ones (they arrived at the new clinic on Monday). Please.....I hope at least one of you make it through the thaw. I need just a little more divine help here.

Does anyone still wear culottes?

Made a full-on fashion statement today by wearing a pair of culottes I bought from Witchery on the weekend. Prior to this purchase I didn't even know what culottes are or how to pronounce it.
I wasn't keen on them initially - but because it fitted quite well around the hips area, plus I am currently doing an IVF cycle - so this is the perfect time to buy fitted pants because I need something to remind myself that it is still okay to buy pants because I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO CARE IF THIS CYCLE WORKS OUT OR NOT. So under the careful guidance of the Witchery sales assistant, who gleefully assured me that I looked hot in the culottes - I bought them AND another two skirts. No tops. Just skirts. Tight ones.

Then this morning at work somebody who was born in the 40's pointed out to me that this is what they used to wear when they were heaps younger. So the curious me researched it on the internet and found this amusing link:

Hot hot hot!!

The moment I saw it I laughed my ass off. Fuck! Do I really look like that?

Oh well, I like the pants - it kind of made my waist looked a little smaller even though I am supposed to be bloated with IVF drugs.

My friend (a real trooper), who is currently embarking on her 16th cycle with her new clinic - has officially kick-started her fresh cycle after three months of fucking around with clean-up surgeries and pre-IVF medicated cycles. She is doing a fresh cycle with her new clinic. She almost had to push a trolley to the pharmacy and back with the drugs she is supposed to be taking. Human growth hormones, suppositories, estrogen supplements, gonatrophins, steriods, aspirins...etc. I think she is so incredibly brave and I hope she gets a good outcome this time.

Babies for all.

Had my trigger injection last night. We spent 15 minutes analysing the drugs we were given, another 5 minutes arguing about what goes where and how. A further 5 minutes for me to whinge about how painful it is going to be and to give a mini lecture on the price to pay to create a new life, and another few moments to numb the injection site with ice to minimise the pain.

Yup. Still hurts. Hate trigger injections. Can't they make smaller needles?

The good news is Ape-man handled it very well, and was as gentle as he could be - once it was over he gave me a hug and told me he will buy me a new car end of the year if we have the money.

The bad news is I have more of those injections to come because I am using HCG injections instead of progesterones pessaries this cycle.

We injected into the fat of my stomach. As a novelty I might do it on the buttocks next time - never tried that one before. Bet you it probably hurts even more.

Here We Go Rock And Roll

Started off having a really shitty weekend - was feeling lerthagic and sad - because I cannot feel my ovary hurting at all. Which means no eggs in the making. Which means no embryo transfer pending. Which means another dud month.

Then continued to have a shitty weekend - made the mistake of picking up a semi-documentary movie about Manson the 70's killer who's tripped out of acid and thinks he is Jesus Christ in the making. It's bad because somebody actually made money by making a movie about him - even worse is there are curious people like myself who borrowed the DVD and watched it. After watching the movie it left a bad taste in my mouth and I just want to throw it all up to make myself feel better. No luck there. I think the puregon was making me sick too.

I defied my clinic's instructions to double the dosage of Puregon to wake my ovary up. I don't want anymore drugs because I want to use as little as possible so I don't fuck my body up too much - so I continued to use 25mg every second day instead of daily as requested.

Sunday was terrible - it feels like somebody blew hot air up my ass and everything is all bloated inside. The ovary felt lumpy and hurt only when I squat - I suspect:

1) I am making lots of little little eggs - so small they are polycystic like and is not big enough for me to kick up my estrogen levels and complete the cycle. So that's no good.

or

2) I am not making egg at all. Once again I am trapped in a never-ending cycle with no estrogen rise and base-line blood results for weeks. So that's no good either.

So there I was - feeling depressed, but at the same time feeling eccentric enough to simulate all these bizzare yoga poses in the comforts of my living room floor to see if I can feel any pain in the ovary. The ovary just feels lumpy and I feel like I need to pee/crap all the time to relief myself because I was feeling so bloated. Ape-man thinks I have gone mad and is making things up as an excuse for not having sex.

So this morning I turned up a day early to have my blood test and ultrasound. I know something is wrong. Could not sleep at all last night because my innards were so bloated.

I was chastised by the nurse for turning up one day early because it fucks up their records - but I know my body - I know something is up. I want to know.

I brought out the violin and whined to the blood nurse about how the drugs are not working again because I don't think I am ovulating. She assured me sometimes it takes a while for the drugs to kick in. The next step is to further increase the dosage and do 25mg/50mg Puregon on alternate days. Oh fuck.

So off I went to the ultrasound room. Once the knickers are off and legs are on stirrups - miracle #1 happened. I have a 12mm endometrial lining.

I know from experience this must mean SOMETHING is working - you don't just get this lining thickness for no reason.

`Oh here it is - 12mm - that looks good! You see right here in the centre there - this is where we are going to put your embryo. Looking good!'

Okay.

And then I saw it - my 25mm miracle egg. I cannot believe I can't feel it - this cycle I cannot feel my egg making process at all.

Am happy. I told the ultrasound tech I love this clinic already. The drugs are working.

`Don't get too excited yet! It's still early days.' Said the tech.

Well, if you have as many set backs as me in the past - a small step like this is a treasured miracle for me. So I am going to celebrate regardless. You see - when it comes to my body - I am always right - if I turn up tomorrow instead of today it would've been too late to use the trigger injection - because I would've ovulated on my own already. And then they will not be able to time my transfer.

Baby steps. One small step for mankind.

....And Waiting

Took me three fucking days to get over that flash back.

I wish people can be a bit `smarter' and pick things up quicker and stop their probing. And I am an idiot to allow this to happen over and over again.

Baby questions for the first time is conversation, the second time is novelty, the third time is for information and pushing the limit - the fourth time is rude, and anymore questions beyond that is plain ignorant and should be shot in public. The previously mentioned fertility goddess has already crossed that final boundary years ago. I now stop making professional contacts with her husband in fear of a lead up to any cosy dinners or unannounced visits.

And I am still waiting for an ovulation. Interestingly - I was doing okay the past months - six ovulations in a row post surgery - all cycles within a 31 day period - with no drugs assistance. Since I started to pump myself with this shitty puregon stuff last week - and all of a sudden - no ovulation pending. I expect my ovary to hurt - but it doesn't - which means it is not making egg(s).

The ovary has gone on holiday - really bad timing.

I can't wait until I had to do a fresh cycle - the clinic is going to have some fun working out what dosage do I require to WAKE my ovary up. I can hear them chanting 400mg Puregon already.

I don't know how many set backs can I take. I am so fucking angry at myself - in particular I hate this body of mine - it doesn't want to cooperate when I most needed it to.

Last night Apeman was on the phone to his brother - he called him using the speaker phone. I was nearby and overhead his little niece making baby noises (his brother probably sat his daughter on his lap). I stood close just so I can listen to the cute noises. Then I imagined how nice it will be to have a daughter so Apeman can do the same. It's such a nice feeling.

Am a little depressed. But will hang in here because having a baby is worth fighting for.

Still Waiting

Was doing okay on this high horse of mine - lah-dee-da - I am happy with or without baby. Then had a really fucking bad flashback this afternoon and it kind of ruined my IVF journey with new clinic.

Bad memory of this other fertility goddess - beautiful girl - good heart I suppose, but extremely nosey about my reproductive business.

I went to uni with her husband. Unfortunately she was (and still is) the really clingy type - so her now-husband actually dumped her during the first year of uni (after a long romance since they were teenagers) and dated another girl for several years. A group of uni friends decided that his latest girlfriend was a bitch - so we all encouraged him to re-date this clingy girl - I was one of his `caring friends' who pushed him into it. So yeah, thanks to me and a few others - he finally came to his senses and married this girl.

Their wedding was a year after ours - so they came to our wedding and then a year later, we went to theirs. Perfect stuff.

Then she started going off about babies. When are you having babies? Anytime soon? Will it be this year? Oh I love babies. So when are you having babies again? Didn't you say it will be this year last time I saw you? Oh I love babies.

So this vicious cycle of baby talk continues for two years after they married. Whenever I see her she is like my ball and chain, my deadweight - she just wants to know when are we going to start a family - she wants to know the full details. I avoid almost all outings in certain northern suburbs just so I can avoid bumping into her.

Then one day - I bumped into her whilst I was shopping for more bullshit for the house in Myers - she was heavily pregnant. She also looked really sickly - thus without with glowing pregnancy look - she is not loving it but she LUUUURVES babies - so it's all good.

So the questions started up again - oh when are you guys going to start a family? My god you guys been married for years!!

Nah I am a little immature for motherhood (IVF excuse# 287).

Oh really? No way - that is just not possible. You guys betttttttter catch up!!!

So off she went to give birth to a 10 pound bouncing baby boy - and the last time I saw her was six months ago - she dropped by our home with her husband and baby Evan. I used the `too immature to be a mom' line on her again after an excruciating 2 hour interrogation (and fuck I didn't even invite her over in the first place) - this time she wasn't too convinced and probably in her numb mind she is starting to get the drift that we are having problems getting pregnant.

So today I was sitting in front of my computer eating a shitty lunch, and suffered a flashback of her and her doodling about babies, it made me want to vomit my bean salad out. It felt like I was gagged and slapped on the face and gagged again. I hope I don't see her again - maybe I will run it past Ape-man this evening about moving into another place and get new identities for ourselves just to avoid this bitch.

She really is the most fucking annoying person in the world who drove me mad during my wannabe reproductive years. As if life is not bad enough - she certainly put the cherry on top of that pool of shit I have to wade through every month.

Anyway after that outburst - must say life is not getting any better - even with the Puregon jabs I am not getting any estrogen rises - still flat line today. So have to double the dosage and wait till next tuesday for a third blood test and vaginal probe.

Oh fucking well.

Caffiene Break

Just a short post to remind myself in the future that I am so happy right now because I just had a delicious moccha with extra chocolate with weak coffee just the way I like it and I feel so good right now nothing else matters. I just want you to know I am content to be on my own and nothing at all in this world is going to ruin that - not even another failed IVF cycle. And even if it fails again I am will go back for more cycles because all I need is a little incentive in life to keep me going - like this moccha I just had.

So eat that.

Here Goes #8

The weekend has kicked off my 8th cycle. Period arrived with a vegenance - but still less painful than the teeth gritting experience I used to have before my ovary was removed.

Today is Day 4 into the cycle.

Had my first blood test on Day 3 - it just felt so luxurious to have my blood taken in a new clinic - I love walking into the clinic almost anonymously - nobody knows my history. To them - I am another new face with a fresh start. It felt good already.

Of course, with the new clinic it also means new nurses to take my blood - it took the nurse three attempts to poke my vein - it really fucking hurt but I assured her you have to try and use the same spot again and again because that is the only way you can get blood from me. And I was right.

So this morning my lovely Ape-man injected me with the fun juice - 25mg Puregon. Injection every second day until they tell me to stop or until I wake up one day and say to myself this is all fucked lets just move on - no more injections. But of course I won't. I am still mentally strong for this.

I do wonder why I am still here - after 5 years - almost 4 years out of the 5 I was spent training and re-training Ape-man on the injections. Going back and forth to the clinic for more drugs, more needle dispensers, more fucking puregon pens, more puregon, more fucking trigger injections, more fucking blood tests and more fucking post IVF periods.

One morningI had to drop by the clinic to pick up my trigger injection, I walked past a new mother with her husband and newborn baby girl waiting to show the already busy clinic staff their bundle of joy. I have seen her before. Approximately a year ago I sat across from her in the waiting room for blood test. Obviously it worked out for her. And obviously not for me. She looked at me with a curious look at first, then she recognised me (I actually used to work with her a few years ago so we kind of recognise each other's faces), then she gave me this really pathetic look - I don't even know how to describe it - it was part smug, part comforting (for her) look. I felt so angry. I didn't feel empathy from her at all - I felt fucking angry and retarded. It's like she is making me feel like how can I keep going when I am obviously so pathetic at it. I started with the clinic way before she did - and now she is giving this `look' with a baby in her arms. I was so angry and cried all the way home and all throughout the rest of the week. What a spolier. And yes that cycle didn't work out. Again.

I am down to my final four embryos (all to be thawed on the day and monitored for progress - the best one goes back - if the remaining survives they will be re-freezed). Since the last two embryos were of questionable qaulity - I am not going to put too much hope on the remaining ones - so I am going for my back-up plan and have sex after they give me the trigger injection.

Bring it on.

Almost Starting Cycle # 8

Not meaning to gloat here - but I am about to have a perfect 29 day cycle.

Last night (Day 28) I saw the first breakthrough of watery blood - my period is arriving soon. Yeah fucking-doo.

When I was young - I never want my period to come. I hoped and pray that I will not bleed on the day I wear my white uniform for sports day. I wished so hard that when I was 14 it actually stopped for a whole year. In hindsight I do believe that was a sign/promise that I am destined to have women/fertility problems.

Then when I got older - I wished for my period to be regular so I know which days I can wear tight pants.

Then when I met Ape-man - and things got a little saucy - I wished for my period to have further gaps apart so we can fit in more sex.

Then when we started to try for a baby - I wish to get my period more regularly so I can fit in more fertility/IVF cycles.

And now - I am at a point in which I am finally happy. I make egg every month, then I make a nice endoemtrial lining, body temperature rises, the lining gradually thickens so my left boob hurt, body temperature dips on the last day of cycle and I bleed (and sulk). Cycle starts again.

I just need to fall pregnant to end this maddening cycle. God help me.

Am going to wait for the full force of my period - then give the new clinic a call and order a Frozen Blastocyst Transfer thanks, (probably call on Sunday). The plan is for Ape-man to inject me with a little Puregon daily to prime myself for the FBT.

The baby story of the day is I had to internally ring this girl up for information - only to be advised that she is on maternity leave. But please call this other lady up because she will have what you need - and yes - she is also pregnant and is at home waiting for her water to burst. So best to go fuck yourself and park yourself back in your work-station and whinge about infertility.

I nearly dug my eyes out.

Am just looking forward to start this cycle #8 and see what tricks nature has up on her sleeves this time. Am going to be optimistic.

I NEED to be optimistic.

The Infertile-land

Was reviewing my latest edition of the Madison magazine http://magshop.com.au/Madison.htm?CID=284 - and was reading the `Letters to the Editor' section - and came across this lovely lady's comments about an article from the previous issue.

The article in question was a debate about whether to have a baby whilst you're young - or maybe have a career/travel first - then have the baby when you are older. The lady in question just had a baby and find it necessary to defend her childless friends - there is not always a fine line as depicted by the magazine.

The article basically depicts two extreme scenarios - a young model in her early twenties with a son conceived accidentally with her ex-partner, and a television high-flyer who got married in her late 30's and is currently pregnant with her second child at aged 42.

She find it stereo-typing that people find it necessary to condemn women who are in a relationship - but childless - because people think they are putting career/travel/shoes in place of starting a family. She said some of her freinds are challenged in the baby-making department and therefore ended up childless - it is not by choice but by circumstances. So why should they be judged?

Also some of us don't get to `choose' when we can have babies. I wanted to have a baby when I was 26. Now I am 31 and still working on it.

I was asked last year by a nosey fucker if it was because I prefer the money from working better (so I can buy more shoes) - so therefore I am putting off starting a family (and she wasn't joking). I said yes. No need to clarify my situation with her. I share my IVF stories with people who genuinely care.

Yes - I guess to some people, after six years of marriage with no children is a little odd - maybe they presume I don't like children - and that I enjoy my 9 to 5 job so much that I am delaying motherhood. However I do find it necessary at times to defend myself to some family (who doesn't know about my IVF problem) - because they feel it is my duty to breed.

Well done to that lady who stood up for people like me - the reproductively challenged.

Panic (About Ovulation Or Not)

I panic about everything - all the time - and lately I have learnt to tone it down a little. Well, just a little.

That's why this cycle I have chosen not to do the daily blood tests - so basically I am supposed to not `give a fuck' about whether or not I have ovulated. I have been absolutely paranoid about it since they took my ovary away. Ovulation to me is an indication of `normalness'. To me, anovulation is a dirty word - it goes hand in hand with things like `mid cycle spotting', `cramps', `heavy period' - all of which I used to suffer severely prior to surgery. Some days I just want to die - after three fucking weeks of non-stop bleeding and estrogen hovering the low 200's is not good.

But then of course it doesn't stop me from charting my basal temps daily (first thing in the morning - before Ape-man kisses me good morning - he is not allowed to touch me until I temped myself - don't want his body heat to ruin the accuracy of theresults). Also I look out for mucus change, softness of vagina, and most importantly - my left boob's condition.

I was getting worried that I am not ovulating this month - so yep - off I went to see my naturopath - who assured me everything is `okay'. I think about the possibility of an ovulation daily - I keep freaking myself out - oh shit what happens if I don't ovulate this month? Fuck is something wrong with the remaining ovary? Am I growing a fucking cyst? OH FUCK FUCK FUCK!!

And then, it happened. Was told last thursday by my bee's knees new clinic that I ovulated (blood tests done as a part of pre-IVF screening). In fact it happened approximately 6 days ago. As if on cue - my left boob started to hurt, it began to hurt more and more and by today I swear it is going to fall off!

The moral of the story is - I am insane. If I stop trying to conceive maybe I will be normal again.

I found myself hovering outside a shop in town on saturday night - it was rather sad - I stared into the plastic dummies with attractive bellies - outfitted in beautiful lycra gear. I found myself wishing to be that dummy - even for a moment, even if it means I will be headless and not able to move - at least I will get to experience the feeling of having a belly full of baby.

Bless.

A Fresh Start - And More Gard-Damn Blood Tests...

....And the doctor was nice.

He is alot nicer than I expected - he's funny, a bit younger than I thought he will be. Probably the only drawback is he is not as good a listener as my old doctor. I miss my old doctor already (in a way).

The new clinic is fantastic - they are so organised, the sitting room is a lot spunkier, and the nurses seem to know EXACTLY what they are doing. Which is refreshing! Doctor had a half hour discussion with me and Ape-man - going through both our history - discussing everything from when I got my first period, our sexual history, and our conceiving history together.

One of the first conclusions he made was - it doesn't look good. In fact he used the word `grim'. Which is not what I want to hear.

He said you have a pretty good profile here, no major problems encountered with getting eggs and embryos - and after 7 cycles with more than 10 healthy embryos put back and still no pregnancy is not a good sign.

But remember I had my dream last night - my baby dream. I am feeling optimistic.

I asked about antibodies, I asked about `uterine receptiveness' - everything I learnt from Dr Beer's website in the US. My new doctor said Dr Beer's findings is debatable - he is more concerned about more important things such as chromosome abnormality within the embryos. I will therefore need to get a pre-implantation genetic screening when we do a fresh cycle. My doctor said apparently in the Eastern States, a woman just completed her 26th transfer (yes, fucking 26th! Mind blowing - good on her!), unfortunate for her - it failed - again. They screened her next batch of embryos for PGS - and found abnormalities in ALL of them - which means none of the embryos were destined for full term pregnancies nor can they be implanted. I didn't ask what she did next because the possibility of it scared me to death - but my doctor voluteered the information anyway - he said that couple are just not destined to have babies together.

Anyway on that dark note - they have taken fucking 12 tubes of blood from me and another 8 from the Ape-man - standard pre-IVF screening. Am looking at doing a frozen embryo cycle next month as soon as period arrives using embryos I have in storage from the old clinic. Fingers crossed.

Genetic problems or not.

My Melody

My intention today was to whinge about the minor set back I had last night when I was going through my IVF records. But then I woke up smiling this morning - because for the first time for as long as I can remember - I saw my baby's face (in my dream).

I had quite a few baby dreams before - it is always like one of those horror movies - I gave birth in a hospital, the nurse gave me my baby to hold for the first time, I looked down and the face is always blank. A variation to this dream is people from my dream keeps my baby away from me by holding his/her all the time - and I cannot see his/her face. But I saw her last night. It seemed so real.

I returned home from hospital with my baby. Ape-man keeps calling my little girl `Melody' - which is not the name we had agreed on. It's actually Mxxxx. (Don't want to jinx myself here!). So anyway I looked at Melody - she looked so incredibly beautiful - the chubbiest cheeks I have ever seen and I started to cry (tears of joy of course!). I can really see her face for the first time. Then I was showing Melody off to all the friends and family - then I remembered maybe I shouldn't expose her to so many people because I figured she probably need to build her immune system up first. Then I laid her down on her pram. And then suddenly it hit me - of course! Her name should be Mxxxx - the same name I call out to every night before sleep during my IVF cycles. She's the one. I told Ape-man about it and we named our little girl Mxxxx. And we lived happily ever after. Then the alarm clock went off.

I am still smiling as I write this.

Quite a turnaround from last night - I was going through pages and pages of clinic records. There's the `natural cycles', the IVF cycles, the shitty `cancelled cycles'. All with `NOT PREGNANT' written on them. With the exception of the one `CHEMICAL PREGNANCY' back in mid 2002. And this chemical pregnancy was achieved with my estrogen hardly climbed past 400! (I used Progynova).

I then came across this one particular cycle - which when I read it, it hit me like a tonne of brick:

Cycle: Clomid 150mg Protocal
24/3/05 - E2 = 180
26/3/03 - E2 = 170
27/3/03 - E2 = 220
28/3/03 - E2 = 340
29/3/03 - E2 = 260
30/3/03 - E2 = 420
31/3/03 - E2 = 230
1/4/03 - E2 = <150
*Cancelled temporarily*
7/4/03 - E2 = 260
9/4/03 - E2 = 340
11/4/03 - E2 = 460
12/3/03 - E2 = 470
13/3/03 - E2 = 560
14/3/03 - E2 = 670
15/3/03 - E2 = 850, LH = 9
16/3/03 - E2 = 1100, LH = 24
LH surge detected - ET scheduled for 20/3/03
19/3/03 - Embryos (x2) did not survive.
*Cycle Cancelled*

I was cooking dinner when they called to let me know after 16 blood tests later, my embryos arrested in the lab the night before transfer and therefore the cycle has to be cancelled. I remember standing there and wanting to die on the spot. I think I howled, and ended up having a panic attack in the kitchen and Ape-man rushed in to catch me. It really was the worse experience in my life - worse than any `real' IVF failures I've had, worse than my chemical pregnancy. I hope it doesn't happen again. I don't wish it upon my worse enemies.

In hindsight - I think that experience made me stronger - it goes to show how `prepared' you need to be mentally for IVF. I am heading off to visit my new clinic soon. Hope the doctor is nice.

Prime Yearling Beef

Somebody at work just offered to go halves in a slab of prime yearling beef – to be freshly slaughtered end of July. Tastefully the seller has attached a picture of the poor bugger – he has a smooth dark brown coat – a pretty cow. I had the choice of either taking the forequarter or the hindquarter.

Look, I am a meat eater, I don’t do bloodied steaks – but I DO eat beef. But I can’t possibly eat something I can put a face to. It is just too heart wrenching. I turned the offer down immediately of course. Prime yearling or not.

Ape-man just rang to let me know he has picked up my records from my old clinic – (I need to do a show and tell for my new doctor tomorrow). I asked him was it in one of those A4 yellow envelopes. He said no – it’s more like a folder.

Tonight I am going to spend some time reminiscing about my IVF track records wearing my comfy PJ’s sipping warm honey water. Surely it must be better than the TV crap they show on Wednesday nights.

So Busy - or was it??

I have been so incredibly busy the last week or so I have no time to write in my diary. Fucking work is killing me - but according to my naturapath (the psychic one) - work is not affecting my fertility at all.

Well whoop-dee-do.

And since this month I was supposed to `take a break' from making babies - I didn't go into the clinic for any blood tests to `chart' my hormones. So I suspect I haven't ovulated because my basal temperature is all over the show, my cervical mucus has too much variety in it so I cannot tell if I have ovulated, and my left boob doesn't hurt at all (usually when it hurts - it means an ovulation occured - no shit!!).

Ape-man saids you shouldn't think so much about whether or not you have ovulated. We should have sex whenever we want. You are making yourself sick thinking about babies all the time.

I can't help it. I've been trying for a baby for five fucking years. Every twitch or twang in my pelvic means something to me - so I can't help but think about it all the time.

Yesterday - despite my recent optimism - I fantasised about escaping the country - maybe use a fake passport - get myself a new identity, and live a new life by myself in a foreign country. I don't want my family to find me - so nobody knows how old I am, how long have I been trying for a baby, etc. Then I will have lots of sex with lots of foreign men (not gang-banging type, but serial one-night stand type). Then maybe I will get pregnant that way. Usually when you are most messed up you ended up falling pregnant. I got that idea because one of my fertility friends' friend, who is in a unstable relationship, and doesn't want children, ended up getting pregnant to her boyfriend who abuses her. Now she is contemplating abortion.

Am seeing new doctor on thursday. Excellent stuff. I have something to look forward to. I am most excited about it (and sadly) because I am new to the clinic - so I won't be an `old' face.

Final-fucking-ly.

The War of the Doctors

So here's my post IVF talks.
First talk is with my IVF doctor.
Second talk was with my *psychic* naturopath two days later.

I believe I am a smart girl - and smart girls always have a back-up plan.

I methodically described to IVF doc the details of my previous three cycles - of how everything seems to be in good order with excellent hormone levels and good blastocysts - but no pregnancy. Apart from suggesting maybe I should try injecting myself with HCG during my two week wait to `support that lining' - there really is nothing much else we can do because it seems I don't need anything else. I am apparently freakishly normal - but just not getting pregnant.

I related to him about my sadness of returning to the same fertility clinic - everybody there greeting me by my first (and sadly, second name), and keep seeing fresh faces in the clinic because the women who are not there anymore either have gotten pregnant already or have moved on. It is depressing and I don't want to be in that place anymore. I don't want to be strapped down to the same meat block for transfers, I don't want to go for shitty blood tests with the same bunch of nurses (bless them) telling me that yeah, this one is it. I want to move on. I verbally diarrheaed these words with tears all over my face.

So - I have temporarily bid my goodbye to my trooper doc - who is so kind and so generous and a skilled surgeon. I have an appointment to see a new doctor in a few weeks time - and will be using a new clinic.

Then I saw my naturopath - I went for my check-up - to make sure my body is in good nick - and to get some vitamins for myself and the Ape-man so he can make super sperm.

I woke up at 5:45am this morning just so I can be outside the Naturopath's surgery at 6:30am to line up for the 7:30am opening - and already there were 9 people ahead of me waiting - that's how good this guy is. We were all freezing our arses off but everyone agreed it is worth the wait.

Naturopath says - you are in excellent condition, hormonally you are absolutely perfect - better than last time I saw you - so he doesn't understand why I even need IVF. Your left side is in pain. (Yup - was confirmed by my IVF doc that I may have developed some more adhesions at the bowels over the left hand side as a result of removing the ovary), so I have been suffering from left back pain (fucking endometriosis). And I am have too many negative thoughts and is too caught up with trying to get pregnant. He said I am letting this pregnancy thing ruining my life. He said I need to stop thinking about it, move on - and then good things will happen.

And hopefully that is what I will do. But like I said - there is always a back-up plan around the corner. So will wait and see what the new clinic propose.

The Fertility Goddess

Was quietly working away this morning - trying to work out why I keep fucking up my drawings (I suspect it was due to fluctuating hormonal levels and suspected depression) and why do I need to use short-bodied valves for non-insulated services (still no fucking idea) - when I was `woken' up by the fertility goddess's chirpy morning voice - despite the fact that she was standing at least three rows away from me.

Of course - first thing first - being in an engineering office all the men look up and look for the person with a feminine voice.

"Oh hi there Paul, this is Jessica. Jessica is going to replace me whilst I'm away...."

Great - Fertility Goddess / footballer's wife is here to remind me why I am so miserable and sad because nobody will ever replace me to do my shitty work - because I don't need replacement - because I am not pregnant and don't know if I ever will. Fantastic.

I know it's mean - she really doesn't mean to because she obviously has no idea I am in the situation I'm in - but never mind - I am allowed to whinge here.

I still remember when the Fertility Goddess was a young graduate a few years ago - fresh faced - skinny and gorgeous. All the men in the office drools over her - and looks forward to casual fridays because that's when she puts on her skin-tight denim *ex-model*. Actually she is a really nice girl too - great personality and always have a moment for people. Back then I was going through IVF already - and I used to think - gosh it will be so nice to be in her position - dating a footballer, going out to society balls, etc - not bloated with fertility drugs at home like me and feel sorry for myself when I get a period. Be free and choose my own destiny.

Then suddenly things move forward so fast I find it difficult to catch my breath. She got married, a year later she has a baby in her belly - the same girl who used to be a fresh faced graduate. I guess I am jealous - oh I admit that - but sometimes I just cannot work out why I am so retarded in the reproductive department - I don't know if it is because I am not deserving? Or is there a lesson to be learnt?

Am going to my long awaited for post-IVF chat with doctor now. My little pebbles in life.

IVF Battlefield - Version 45.3

Excellent news – period has stopped as of late this morning.

Thank you God for small favours. I may even be able to stop wearing panty liners by tomorrow.

Once again I am on the lookout for RHS pelvic pains – any little nicks and pricks to tell me I MAYBE ovulating this cycle again. Oh please God let me be normal.

I just came back from a short walk – stopping by Kookai to look at the tops I swear I will stop buying (because I am going to be pregnant and should stick to loose fitting clothing not tight little numbers), and Zomp – to look at shoes I am not supposed to buy because I am saving up for IVFs and motherhood. Fortunately I came out unscathed. But damn the boots are on sale.

So as I walked back to the office – right at building entrance I was pushed over by not one, but two heavily pregnant women (who are obviously friends) with the most massive baby-bellies I have ever seen. OK –enough of that whinging bullshit. Moving right along.

My friend A - who has been battling with IVF for years like myself - is going to start a fresh cycle with a new clinic in the next month or so - her new doctor has it all worked out for her - the drugs, the pre-start medication, the post-IVF medications, she even had a pre-IVF operation to have an internal clean out and full medical checks for herself and her husband. The new clinic is throwing all eggs into the basket for her and I hope and pray this is it for her. I need to surround myself with a little bit of positivity - at least I know people are still getting pregnant through IVF.

I remember one of my earlier posts I wrote about seeing a rainbow through my office window - I saw it again yesterday. I don't know if this is God's way of teasing me - but I appreciate it and I see the rainbow as a sign of hope. I have nothing else to look forward to - so a little rainbow is certainly going to help me along the way.

I wish for nothing else except to be happy and take each day as it comes. Oh - an ovulation this month will be nice as well - a bonus.

The Pregnancy Phenomena

Day 6 today. Still fucking bleeding. It was a massive period.

Haven't had a massive period since my ovary was taken away from me. So I am a little worried.

What I am worried about is this period is a lot more intense than my previous IVF ones - despite being a `natural' cycle - did I make a baby and then lost it? Did we create any cells? Is there anything for me at all? Did Babe's sperm reached my egg? Did Sergio put more mayo into my Donor Kebab on friday?

Because pregnancy is so far reach for me - seeing a pregnant woman on the street, and especially if it is somebody you know - is like looking at the solar eclipse, or more artisically - looking at a nice oil painting. It's strange, it's something new, you know you cannot reproduce the same no matter how hard you tried, you really want to learn how to do it but somehow you don't know where to start.

In the office there is a fertility goddess - better known as the footballer's wife. She's beautiful, an ex-model, smart, dated a celebrity footballer and married him in a dream wedding with the works - and a year on - she is now pregnant with his baby and I just saw her waddled past. Although God is fair and made her stack on the weight now that she is more than 7 months into her pregnancy - I must admit she looks fantastic - even more so than before she was pregnant. The baby weight somehow gets evenly distributed on her body and she looks great in her bright pink lycra maternity gear. Last night - I pathetically stuck out my stomach in front of the mirror and pretended to be pregnant. Oh I looked pregnant alright (thanks to years of fertility drugs and my `no-exercise because I am trying for a baby' regime). But of course when I feel that stomach I know it is just fat and fluids - no baby.

Saturday morning I woke up to a hard nudge at my anal region. Babe (a.k.a. Ape-man) wants to have sex. I said it is not a good time - I am raining period - I just don't feel like it. Ape-man didn't understand and complained why am I always complaining about this ached and that hurt. I said how would you like to have sex when you have shit packed all the way up to your intestines, severe haemorrhoids so you are bleeding from the arse continuously, and your penis feels incredibly small all of a sudden? He promptly understood and promised he will make it up to me early this week as soon as my period finishes. Great.

Life goes on - I am here now, so might as well make the best of it. This month I will be back to my old self - I am happy with or without baby - right up until my period arrives again. Let's pray for an ovulation again.

Back Again

Firstly, thanks to those who read my previous post and offered the comforting words - you ladies are amazing.

Life goes on - I had a watery period to start with on Day 12, and smack bang exactly 14 days after ovulation I rained period last night - I got the cramping, the heavy period and the shitty mood to go with it. It really is not fucking fair and I really don't know what the fuck to do next.

Interestingly, I still remember when Big Brother was first introduced into Australia. I probably was already one or two years into my pregnancy quest - I remembered back then I was glad to have something to occupy my dim mind - watching Big Brother can sometimes make me forget about all my problems. Roll on a few years later, Big Brother 2005 - I am still here, watching the same old bunch of people frolicking in the nude and the boys talking about how big their penises are and how much sex they've had since they were 13. Excellent.

What makes me so worried and lost my cool this time? Because I've worked out the following:

1) I can ovulate normally, estrogen is nice and high, have a good LH surge and therefore a good ovulation, excellent progesterone levels. But my lining breaks down on Day 12 - Day 14 and that will be the end of baby dream. No questions asked.

2) I tried the IVF and all the fruits that went with it - egg quality is good, sperm good (thanks to Babe's super-sperm), embryos are good, in all cycles they all reach 7-8 cells by Day 3, our embryos have more than 90% efficiency in turning into compacting blastocysts. Lining is good (thicker than the normal requirements). Had some basic antibody tests carried out - all `normal'. Hell, I know the IVF terminology better than some of the nurses in my clinic.

3) I tried Clomid, did them in various dosages (50mg - 250mg) and I only respond occasionally so my doctor stopped using it on me. I tried FSH injections - not good because I produce too many small follicles instead of a few big ones. So I am `better off' with IVF.

4) I tried having sex like normal people. I tried having sex and go to the toilet straight after and not worry about the sperm leaking out. I tried lying on my back with legs up for an hour at least.

5) I prayed, I meditated, I went to different places of worship and asked for the divine help, I did the Chinese herbs, I saw lots of naturopaths and went on a $600 a month herb regime, I did the acupunture, I did the massages, I did Bowen and had voice healings, I have experienced Reiki (which I will continue to do), I did the angry phase and was angry with everything, I went through the calm phase (my current regime) and forgive everybody in the world. I have experienced three doctors - two of whom said sorry to me and said I am going to have to move on to a `higher up' doctor. I gave my ovary away because I want to have the best chance in the world to make a baby. And as a result of IVF I have accumulated alot of adhesions which fucks up my bowels and bladder.

And above all I am definitely not going to give up, not that easily. It just makes me so fucking mad that I have been dancing around like a supermarket IVF monkey and doing everything they say I should, and as soon as it's over again, nobody in my clinic offered any sound advice with the exception of telling me to wait for my period to end and start again - that my chances are going to be better next time.

If there is anything I have missed and should be trying, anything at all, I will do it. I am not one of those women who winces and cries when it hurts. Nothing bothers me and if my doctor says tomorrow I have to do egg collection awake I will do it - if it means it offers a tiny bit of hope. I don't know what to do with myself - I was feeling okay yesterday and today I think I am mental again.

Fuckity Fuck. Fuck Fuck Fuck.

Fucking Period Is Here - Again

It's all over again.

I had this tune playing over and over again in my head all morning – it’s `I’ve started a joke’ by the Bee Gees.

“I started a joke, which started the whole world crying,
but I didn't see that the joke was on me, oh no.
I started to cry, which started the whole world laughing,
oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me."

The problem is I didn’t start the joke on myself – it just happened to me and I don’t know how to pull myself out of it. I just want to go home and crawl into my doona cover and cry – but I can’t and won’t let myself – because I want to be normal. I don’t want to quit my job once again because I have conceiving problems or is depressed – and I don’t want to once again sit at home and watch my life goes by, or haunt my local shopping centre only to be surrounded by expectant mothers. I just want to keep my job – exhibit the minimal requirements to sustain a living – and then hope and pray that something good will happen to me.

I am just tired. Tired of the routine, the excitement of an ovulation/embryo transfer, the long two week wait, and then the disappointment. I just feel really lacklustre, lifeless, insipid, gloomy….all the words you can find in your ordinary English thesaurus.

If there are any days in which I have difficulty dealing with immediate family, pregnant women, cute babies, affectionate children, little Chinese girls who looks like she can be my daughter, teenage mothers, celebrity teenage mothers (for fuck’s sake, Bec Cartwright is going to keep an ongoing pregnancy diary in Woman’s Day – what more can a pregnant celebrity who is currently dating a multi-millionaire ask for?), and Demi Moore having her 5th child at 42 and is going to pose nude again in her pregnancy glory with her Toy Boy….today is the day.

On a lighter note - my American Pen Pal Vickie has given birth to her twin boys - they are beautiful, perfect, handsome little IVF boys. I cried when I saw the photos. How I wish to have beautiful little babies to resemble my husband. To give life and to hold. To love and be loved.

Excellent. My highlight of the day is to go to the local supermarket and stock up on tampons. I don't even know if I can make it through the day from the way I am going at the moment.

The Price of Life

Right now I have the worse fucking headache you can imagine.

Last Saturday it was sunny and I was feeling upbeat - so I drove to RSPCA for a visit. I would love to adopt another dog (to fulfill my need to nurture and love), but I already have two - plus I have a small house so it won't be fair on my furry friends. Anyway what happened was I was there by myself - getting really emotional seeing these locked up animals - and completely lost it (not wailing, but sobbing like a mental woman). Fortunately, nobody saw me (or so it seems)... I kind on leaned towards the cages and sobbed quietly.

So that's where I get my infertility therapies/counselling from - the RSPCA.

It makes me rethink about my `situation' - I need to remind myself I don't need to have a baby to make me happy - it is not the be-all and end-all in my life because there are many other ways to be loved and give love. I still would very much like to give birth to my own genetically linked child - but if that doesn't happen we will just have to live with it and enjoy the other aspects of life.

Oh and if I ever find that man who a few weeks ago tied his dog to the back of his car and dragged the poor dog 15 metres at 70km/h (until his little paws were all rubbed off), I swear I will wring him by the balls and drag him around with my 4WD - see how much he likes it.

I am Day 26 into my cycle, which means the period is coming in the next two days - I am already cramping. So whatever, just bring it on. I am just sick and tired of getting all excited over an ovulation, get blood tests everyday to check my LH surge, then get my period in exactly 13 days past ovulation.

Next cycle I am not going to bother with the blood test. Am going to rely on my instinct, some carefully charted basal temperatures and the supermarket ovulation tests.

Maybe Babeee

This sucks. I was doing alright on the `I don't need to have a baby to make me happy' wagon, then I went and borrowed the `Maybe Baby' movie.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0206926/

I was doing okay during most of the movie - very typical IVF story with the doctor's room stories, the sperm tests, the ovulation tests, the friggin jabs, the "let's not bother her with this, she's on hormone injections so she is a little irrational", the timed intercourse, the legs up after sex, the vaginal probing with a young medical student in attendence...etc. Then it cut to the scene in which she discovered her period after the two week wait (which I was fine with it), and then several dramatic events later, she made a reference to how her two embryos (whom she has names for) are now dead because she is having a period.

Then I just lost it and sobbed for quite a while. I think it was probably because I didn't cry over my 7th failed attempt - I have been saving my tears for this moment - because really I have lost a part of me and Babe - with or without names they are still a part of us. I've been saying that I feel really numb since my last few attempts. I `numb' myself by not analysing what is happening because it makes me feel better and like a normal person.

There was also one other scene in which the husband was sitting next to his (heavily sedated) wife whilst the doctor carried out the egg extraction. Then I remembered during my 7th attempt as I walked into the recovery room (to get ready for transfer) there was a woman there who just came out of egg collection, she was still hooked up to the drip and monitor so it looked pretty horrendus - I think it was the first time I was conscious enough to see what it is like to come out of an egg collection. It just looked painful. I feel sorry for my husband who has to watch me go in and out of surgery so many times. I told him I don't want to go through another surgery again.

And I am still waiting for that 3-inch scar below my bikini line to heal properly - it still looks pretty red so I haven't done any serious waxing in that area as yet, and the stitching wasn't the best so it looks like I have a small fold in the skin (like skippy). So I guess I cannot go through with the porn-star route as planned when I turn 35.

And sometimes, when I have an idle moment, I press deeply into my left pelvic region to see if there is any `space' left behind as a result of my ovary removal. It doesn't hurt - it is still a little tender but I think it is probably imaginary. Things I do to amuse myself at times.

I miss you Deirdre but not the problems you caused me.

The Taboo

Had a really busy week - sometimes I don't even know if all this stress and extra effort is worth it. I like my job but I also hate it.

Was invited to nice street party on the weekend (the grown-up type of course). My neigbours (the couple from across the road) are such lovely people - they cooked up a huge pot of soup to warm our frozen hands. Nothing beats a good old Aussie BBQ on a cold winter's night.

I have always known my neighbours are in the process of applying for adoption - but I never brought it up with them because I really don't know them too well. In fact I don't even want to talk about it. I always felt I am not at the `end of the road' yet. Hell, I am far from it. I still have energy and determination in me to keep fighting this shithouse road of IVF.

Not sure what my neighbours' background is - maybe it was infertility, maybe it's just plain goodness they have in them and realise that after a fruitful life journey together - they decided to adopt a child from China to share their life experiences (and beautiful house) with.

Since the party on saturday night my mind has been working overtime thinking about their situation (and thus mine).

That night, as I was standing next to the BBQ guarding my piece of burnt meat - I ended up talking to a lovely lady - she's so beautiful and lovely and it looked like she's got laughter (happiness) in her eyes. She and her husband ended up chatting for the rest of the night with me and Babe.

We found out they are actually adoption friends of our neighbours - whom in July, will be venturing together to China to hopefully pick up their bundles of joy. As the conversation grew - another couple joined in with their adopted chinese daughter. It was difficult for me to hold back my tears looking at the face of this little girl. She could be my daughter.

Our new friends is a couple who have been married for 10 years, tried to conceive for 8 years. And after rounds of IVF cycles and surgeries, they have finally decided to call it quits and move on. I asked - how many cycles did you complete (they actually used the same clinic as I do - which makes it even closer to home for me), she said 5. I thought to myself - oh my god - I had 7 and still going?? Am I supposed to throw in the towel now?

But as she explained it - for them, it was too much money spent on wasted cycles (agreed), when they could've spent that money on adoption and on their new child (agreed), and every IVF journey comes with more than a monetry price - it comes with un-ending surgeries as well (fuck-oath). She used to be sad like me - but she decided that with adoption at least there is going to be a baby in the end waiting for you - unlike this darn IVF. She is tired of hearing the reassurance that `it will happen one day, only if you relax' or `The more times you do it (IVF), the closer you are to getting pregnant'. The next person who uses these two lines on me is either going to get their heads smashed in, or a long lecture on the success and failure of IVF and the joys of vaginal probing when you have over 15 eggs growing on your ovaries plus a nurtured ovarian cyst to the approximate dimensions of 14cm - depending on what mood I'm in.

I became teary (happy tears) when I started to hear her happy stories about preparing cribs, slings, prams, decorating the baby room....everything which is denied to me to date. I was happy just to see the joy in their eyes. I told them I just want to be happy. I cannot remember when was the last time I was trully happy. I have this massive need to nurture and to watch a child grow. I want to give this child the best opportunity in life, and everything me and Babe can afford.

In the end we all agree that I will have to work through the adoption process myself. I have to be mentally ready for it. I need to put in clear in my head that it is not necessary to have a genetically correct child of me and Babe's, as long as the child calls me mommy and Babe daddy that's is more than enough for us.

So to my new friends - I wish you all the best of luck with the adoption in July and may you find all the happiness in the world in your children who is so fortunate to be a part of such loving families.

In the mean time - I will ask myself how much more can I take and maybe start thinking about allocating an end date for this IVF ride.

Fully Sic, Wicked Sticks

The title has nothing whatever to do with today's blog. My mind is quite blank at the moment after coming out of an all day meeting. I was in a room with 8 men and we talked about compressors all day. I must have been stressed because during the meeting I discovered a massive lump on the side of my neck. I don't know what it is - I was told (by one of the 8 men) that it is a neck muscle. I am going to get a second (medical) opinion tomorrow afternoon by a certified practioner.

Next time, if I try to graph anything or make any predictions about my bodily functions - I will have to physically restrain myself, because it is likely to be fucking wrong. There is nothing normal about my body - it's a cosmic mystery.

Because I was running late yesterday, I figured it was okay to miss yesterday's blood test thinking it will be another few days before ovulation occurs. Well, so far the estrogen has been climbing linearly - a dead straight line. So it is quite possible that this was the case.

So this morning I actually made an effort to get up early, and head down to the clinic to have my blood taken. The clinic was FULL OF WOMEN trying to conceive, they were patiently waiting for their turn for blood tests, injections and/or vaginal probing. It must be the season to (want) to fall pregnant.

So anyway - here's my story:

Day 9 - E2 = 370
Day 11 - E2 = 500
Day 12 - E2 = 630
Day 13 - E2 = Shitty late - no results
Day 14 - E2 = 1400 (LH = 24) (there goes my graph)

I was quite surprised to hear 1400 - I thought I heard wrong over the phone - I can't believe I am making my own estrogen. It's a miracle. Thank you God for small favours.

So yeah, I am supposed to have a bonk tonight / tomorrow night. We will try that. Not that it had worked for us in the past but I need to keep the faith and seize this magical opportunity.

I told my girlfriend V that I am abandoning the IVF ride for a little while and try naturally. She said what's naturally Drew??

You know what, I don't even know anymore. As long as there are only me and Babe in the room that's what I refer to as natural. But in a way it isn't because my doctor, my coordinator and my blood nurse knows we are playing hide the salami tonight - so that's not really natural is it??

Making Egg

Just had a massive weekend spent with Babe's family and relatives. It all went well uneventfully - to a certain extent. Of course I got the usual bugging of `Oh when you you going to have kids? You've been married for quite a few years now.'

Yes, we have been married for five years now.

No, we haven't had any kids yet.

Yes, we have been trying and bonking like mad as you have suggested to us in the past.

And yes, I thoroughly enjoy anal sex so that's all we do - day in day out.

So therefore, no, we don't have kids yet.

It wasn't fun when a few of Babe's aunties keep staring at my stomach (flat) throughout the entire time they were talking to me. As if they are trying to guess if I am popping one out yet. Or maybe Drew's already pregnant, oh wait, didn't she have that nasty operation a few years ago? Oh my god, she had some work done on her ovaries! Does that mean she can't have kids? Oh my god. SHE'S BARREN. Her poor husband.

And on that note, here's an estrogen update - it makes me really proud of Dianna.

Day 9 - E2 = 370
Day 11 E2 = 500 (and the nurse punished me by poking the needle into my muscle - I yelped)
Day 12 E2 = 630
Day 13 E2 = ?? (didn't get a chance to go in for blood test today as was running late and had an all day shitty meeting).

As an engineer it is my duty to graph the results, so I just did, and I expect my estrogen to be between 700 to 750 today.

So really by subjecting myself to a blood test today will be a waste of time as I expect to be told to keep going in daily until estrogen inclines towards 1000 and LH surges.

Must get up earlier tomorrow so I can go in for a poke.

I don't know what is driving me after all these years of injections, blood tests etc. I really don't know. But all I know is I can still do it. It doesn't faze me anymore.

I still remember the worst time was when I was on Clomid during my first year of treatment, my doctor ordered continual blood tests because my estrogen wasn't picking up due to lack of response in the ovaries. I ended up having 12 BLOOD TESTS in a row. The last few times I always come out crying and bruised and poked through. And in the end - no ovulation and the cycle was subsequently cancelled. All that blood for nothing. But never mind. Onwards and upwards.

Freakshow Artist of My Clinic

So off I went to my second blood test for this `natural' cycle. Whatever `natural' means these days.....

As if on cue, the moment I walked into the fertility clinic I got the `high'five' style hello greeting from the receptionist, then the coordinator walked out and call out my name and said hello how ya doing matey. I then proceeded to the counter to discuss with the receptionist (who's lurvely by the way) `a previous bill' for a `previous cycle' in which they over-charged me by a few hundred buckeroos. As the quiet sitting room audience listened in, the receptionist chatted to me like we were old friends. Then we talked about how I was never over-charged like this before, and maybe I will just call the accountant (who is also my friend) next week to discuss it and then settle the bill once and for all. And oh by the way how's *disguised* because I heard she's taken her daughters for overseas for the first time to visit her sick father? Oh bless, that's lovely.

Golden rule of thumb - don't get too familiarise with people in a fertility clinic, it is not good for the image of the clinic and not good for your own state of mind. But of course I don't mind, these days I try not to take anything too seriously. I need to have the occasional laugh.

The clinic just sent me a consent form for a fresh frozen embryo transfer cycle. I don't think so. I need a break this month. I think my doctor is also tired of seeing me in the meat room and wishing me `good luck' everytime he un-strap me from the stirrups after the transfer. It's becoming a routine.

During my talk with the IVF consultant some topics were brought up. Well, the statistics is this: It takes a bit of time but I always ended up making good eggs, Babe make good sperm, we make good embryos, embryos progress to Day 3 in good form, usually at least 7 to 8 cells, we've tried the Day 5 blastocyst transfer and my statistics is more than 80% (80% of fertilised eggs turned into blastocysts), progesterone levels are ALWAYS sky high even after the final blood test so sustaining a miracle conception is not an issue. So what is the problem?

Consultant suggest I should try pre-implantation embryo screening. I said what for? She said we can screen all the embryos to make sure we get the most genetically-correct embryo for transfer. This little test is going to set us back $2000 on top of all other costs. It's a big financial risk, also we may not have ANY embies left for transfer because the embryos may not survive the test.

But it doesn't really solve my problem does it? I may still be the problem. So what next?

Well, you can keep trying and trying until you succeed, or you can consider donor eggs.

*cue in tears*

But....but...I make good eggs! *cue in trembling lips*, I made good eggs in the past!!

Let's just continue to stay positive. I need some quiet time to have a think. In the mean time let's just try naturally.

Work Ethnics

I have a bizarre theory - synchronised toileting.

Due to my recent quest to be in the most fertile state in hope for a miracle conception – I started to drink lots of water, at least 1-litre of orange juice and stacks of powdered vitamins per day. I have a very small bladder – so small that in the past an ultrasound technician un-jokingly said oh my god you don’t have a bladder, even though a hour before I drowned myself with more than a litre of water to fill the bugger up.

Anyway in my office there is this unsmiling girl who can be marginally attractive if she makes an effort to smile, but she chose not to and will blankly stare at you even though it is the 1700th time you met on the hallway on the way to the kitchen or toilets. If I am unfortunate enough to bump into her in the toilets she will just give me this, how shall I put it…. an `accusing’ stare and then will promptly look away as if you are diseased. So anyway on this lovely Friday morning I had the pleasure to bump into her in the loo, I made an effort to smile (because it’s Friday) – and of course she just looked away. Half an hour later, and another cup of orange juice later, I went back to the toilets and there she was again! Total embarrassment on my face, and the same diseased look on hers.

Great. Now I am going to have to delay my next toilet visit so I don't have to bump into her again.
I woke up this morning with pains in my right ovary, it just feels lumpy. Yes...yes...Diana my darling, I think you are going to help us out this month and reward me with an ovulation. I am heading off for another blood test tomorrow to confirm if estrogen is rising appropriately.

Last night at the shops, I walked around like I do every other Thursday night, eyeing clothing, shoes and home appliances....and purchased a lovely sauce-pan for home improvement and a bottle of vitamins for my Babe. Yes, zinc and Vitamin D for good sperm that can swim for gold.

He wriggled his nose and said `I don't need vitamins to make super sperm'.
Drew `But babe you need this so we can both be in top shape if we are to try naturally.'
Babe `Ok then, I will take the vitamins and make super-super-sperm.'
Drew `Ok honey, you do that then.'

Sigh.....Men.

Estrogen Update

Went to clinic today to tell them how sick and tired I am to keep getting bills for negative cycles as soon as I get my period. How friggin insensitive is that?

Nah actually I was there to discuss options - more on that tomorrow.

Whilst I was there, I figured it's time to put some holes in my arms so I went for a blood test. Fortunately, and thank GOD for small favours, it didn't hurt and the magic nurse poked my vein with first attempt.

Just got my blood test results. Estrogen is 370 today. Normally if I still have Deirdre (left ovary) around, it will mean the bugger is growing cyst again, and estrogen will stay between 200 to 350 for at least two weeks before my body starts thinking about having a bleed.

But now that Deirdre is gone and resting in peace, with E2 = 370 means it is quite normal for a Day 9 result. Which means I may be ovulating this cycle. Oh my God, it's a miracle. I feel nice even typing that word - OVULATION. For some girls it is as easy as chewing gum, for me, once upon a time, having a natural ovulation is like a solar eclipse or equivalent to growing a third nipple.

I am going to name my right ovary Dianna. Dianna sounds like a powerful enough name. She's gonna be a trooper and pull me through this mess.

Shitty Weekend Ahead

Great.

Was advised by Babe that I have two family dinners to attend. The first one is my father in law's birthday dinner, which is actually not so bad. But seeing my mother in law doing back-flips over the my sister in law's new born baby is quite nauseating. But bearable. I may sound jealous, but trust me, I'm not.

Then on Sunday night I have the big family hug-meet party - extended relatives from overseas are here to visit the family. Basically one of Babe's cousin married another cousin several years ago, so the female cousin's family (from the U.S.) are here for a visit....the cousins had been trying mad for a baby for years, and only recently got lucky - with twins. The rumour is IVF. But of course nobody within the family circle of trust says pip about it - like it is a big TABOO. Everyone reckons it is a natural conception. People just don't suddenly have twins after a 7 year gap.

I may sound resentful and mean - but I have my reasons.

Everybody in Babe's family are extremely fertile, they literally fall pregnant on their wedding night and from then on, kids just keeps popping out. Everytime I'm at a family dinner their conversations always revolve around why I haven't fallen pregnant yet. The rudest moment was when one of the cousin-in-laws came up to me and tell me (honestly) that everyone in the family are wondering why we are still childless, is it because we don't like children? She literally sucked in her breath as I ALMOST start to talk about my sad IVF journey...but I stopped aruptly because I know she will race back to the rest of family and tell them about my `bizarre freak-show' story. For fuck's sake.

I always tell them, oh yes, we love children, but we are not ready yet.

Oh but why? Having children is luuuuuurvely, oh they are just so cute and completes you.

Oh I know, but I also have to work and...

Oh you must try for a baby as soon as you go home...it's wonderful. The experience gives you so much joy.

Oh just fuck off. (I said that in my head of course).

So that's what I have to look forward to this Sunday - the smug-married-and-with-kids who thinks not breeding is abnormal. Don't get me wrong - I don't get upset walking into baby shops, maybe I will get a little bothered by pregnant moms - but I am honestly okay coping with day to day life. But its times like these and ignorant people that can royally fucks up my lunch (and dinner).

Paris Hilton is Pregnant

As I stuffed myself during the lunch hour with protein and a LARGE caffinated tea drink in full self-destruction mode, I came across the latest goss magazine showing Paris Hilton in her full pregnancy glory.

Oh my God.

She's apparently due in December (thus making her three months pregnant?). Oh she looked good.

My God I can understand (to a certain extent) Britney Spears wanting to be a mom - she was always going on about how she wants to be married and start a family, that's fair enough - but Paris Hilton!? Holy Shit.

Satay Sticks and Wontons

As a part of my self-improvement regime - I went to a new cooking class and learnt how to make Satay chicken sticks, steamed wontons, and a pastry dessert. The food was great but I only wish for them to put on more food so I can really `taste' the food. Babe loves me. He thinks I am now an ace cook so he doesn't have to put up with shitty home-cook meals, fast food meals and meals on wheels (drive-thru) anymore.

Was chatting to a friend of mine who had at least 13 IVF transfers. She recently had her remaining tube removed - it was one of those dang hydrosalphinx (liquid filled tube). I used to have one of those, but it was removed earlier this year together with my left ovary Deirdre. Poor Deirdre, she looked like a lump of cut-up meat from some of my holiday snaps (laproscopy). I hope she rest in peace. The first thing I asked my doctor as soon as I regain consiousness was where is my ovary? He said, `It's in a bowl somewhere in the theatre'. Lovely.

Anyway my friend was convinced by her GP that by removing her hydrosalphinx she will have a much better chance next time. In fact just one of his patients recently got lucky as soon as her `bottle-neck' was removed!!! I hope so - I really hope so. I am also waiting for my turn. I also have been lining up for a baby for years now. For my sake and my friend's sake, I hope we both fall pregnant soon and can move on to more interesting and uplifting topics about babies.

Am going to go home tonight and give my smelly dog a big hug.

A Little Bit of Negativity Today

I just found out my brother in law and sister in law left their three kids (6,4,3) at my parent-in-laws place for `child-minding' most of the long weekend whilst they had some `alone-time'. Whilst the other sister in law left her baby with my in-laws and went `shopping' even though my mother in law minds the baby for her full time during the week. Imagine that - four kids under the age of 10 and stuck in a house with no where to go.

Why is it when people who don't want to be parents are parents, whereas people who will give their pancreas to be a parent and try so fucking hard to, simply just can't??

Right - enough of that. Have to get back to my positive train of thoughts.

The Long Weekend ... and some Reiki

Thank god for the Foundation Day off.

I bought some peace on the weekend - I had Reiki and I friggin ruined it by going shopping straight after. I was absolutely drained by the end of the day.

I drove for one hour to a small town to get my Reiki treatment. It was absolute bliss - both the Reiki, full body massage and the trip there....beautiful country side views, fresh air, drizzling rain, great driving music by George. Tammy was absolutely fantastic. And I had the most bizzare experience which made me believe in holistic powers.

To start off with, I was not as sceptical as I thought I will be. I actually believed I will go home a changed person and let all be healed. When the treatment was finished, my entire left side of the body (from head to toe) tingled...well..it is more like I was COLD - and strangely - only on the left side of the body only. They say Reiki is a powerful energy which travels to the part of your body that needs healing...and so it seems my left side needs some serious healing. And coincidentally, I have suffered some major trauma to my left side this year as a result of endometriosis and a 14-cm bastard of an ovarian cyst.

I BELIEVE.

Then something else weird happened during the treatment. I drifted out of consiousness for maybe two seconds - I was in the same meditative state I used to experience when I was practising meditation seriously a few years ago - but I definitely wasn't asleep. I saw a soldier....the soldier looked tired. Then I saw a close-up of his boots. They looked well worn. Then I saw the soldier again, he was definitely resting - not sure if he was taking a nap - but he was definitely taking a break from his war duties.

Tammy said he was either in my past life, or maybe I am seeing myself in the state I am currently in at the moment. It was very eerie. It was my calling to take things easily and accept my lessons learnt.

So whatever it was - I BELIEVE. I know it is time for me to step back from IVF and take a break. I am really tired as well.

Life Begins Again

I was feeling alot better yesterday.

My period came in full force starting the day before, and it continued to plague me today. This is the worse part of the IVF cycle - the period. Because you know it contains fragment of the embyros.

The second time IVF failed for me, I had a chemical pregnancy. So some pregnancy hormone was detected but it was so low it was not meant to be. So they tell me to go home and wait for the bleeding to finish. Anyway I was in the shower the day after they told me no pregnancy hormone can be detected anymore, and suddenly I was hit with his massive pain in the pelvic region. It was so painful I had to crouch down and couldn't even cry out in pain. Then the grossest, worst part happened - a huge blob of blood clot/tissue came out. I didn't know what it was - so I did a close inspection and saw a tiny dot of white egg-white-like mass attached to the centre of the blood clot. I just went mental. I think it was the embryo embedded there. I think.

Then the tears didn't stop for another three more days. I just kept crying. I cried for my little 5 cell embryo who continued to grow in me and implanted, I cried for what could've been. I hated life and I hated everybody - mostly I hated myself. I hated myself because I was a failure and I let my embryo down.

Anyway fast forward another two years later, here I am - still here, still barren. I think I am still going strong and I am definitely going to continue to fight for a miracle.

My sister in law (who is not the nicest person around) had a dig at me last night - she knows I am trying hard to conceive. She mentioned, gee, everybody in her company are pregnant, they are all fat in the belly and are already making plans taking at least one year off maternity leave...blah blah. Gee what's with the city lately? Everybody is falling pregnant.

Yes except for me.

Hi baby - sorry I am being pessimistic today - but thought I will have a whinge here, better do it here than go home to your daddy and do it to him. The poor sod must have enough from me already!

A letter to my unborn child

Hello baby, wherever you are,

I think I better start talking to you - because I really need to be positive so I can finally see you.

I always think of the day when I will be lying on a surgery table, and finally seeing you - and holding you in my arms. You will have thick mop of black air like your mommy and daddy, and big eyes - just like us. I used to have lots of hair as a baby you know - so hopefully you be equally blessed and look more like me. Well, your daddy is not too bad looking but if you're a girl - I hope you look like me, but have eyelashes like your daddy.

And when I see you I will cry, the tears I cry will be tears of happiness because there will be so much happiness around us, and to know you are finally safe in my arms.

Last night, after a turbulent few days finishing off another dud IVF cycle, I was lying in bed, suddenly I realise I was crying. I was crying because I yearn so much to have you in my arms. I promise I will not complain about sleepless nights, soiled nappies, early starts....never ever. I used to think as soon as I have you, I will give it a couple of months, then I will return to work as a career woman like I am now. But after my experiences the last few years, I realise what is more important, and trust me, with your arrival everything else will become secondary. Mommy and daddy will dedicate ourselves to your upbringing and make sure you have the best of everything we can afford.

Your daddy is building a new house for us. There is going to be a nice nursery - honey you even get to have your own choice of rooms. I am going to decorate your nursery in a nice bright yellow colours with lots of wall cartoon pictures. I have already bought you a cute little hat with little bear ears, and a little pink dress (if you're a girl of course), and a soft yellow romper. I will try and build on that collection so when you are finally here, mommy promise you will be the best dressed baby in this side of the town!!

I look forward to see your face - I dreamt about you a few times, but have never been able to catch a glimpse of your face. Mentally I have a picture of you - I am so sure I can see your eyes already.

I love you and sleep tight for now.

Lv, Mommy Drew